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anxiety. I was devastated to say the least. Howev-
er, what was even more shocking to find out was
that me being a kind and sweet person was the
cause of it.
It felt like a whirlwind of information all hitting
me at one time, and none of it made any sense.
However, after several sessions with my ther-
apist I discovered that the things that had me
feeling down were not things going on in my life
at all, it was the stress of taking care of everyone
else. Taking care of people had caused me to for-
get about my dreams and my goals in life. Trying
to be the “strong” person in my family and circle
of friends meant that I had to be the emotional
blanket for everyone any time their life was in
distress. When a family member needed money,
I gave it; even if it were my last, if a friend need-
ed me I would be by their side, quick fast and in
a hurry. No questions asked. Meanwhile, I was
slowly suffering in silence. I never asked for help,
and when I did I often was let down by the same
friends I had sacrificed for. It felt as if no one
thought about me, and my needs. The only thing
they were concerned about is what they needed
from me.
My life had always been like this, and I didn’t
know anything different. Finding out that the
very thing I was good at- taking care of others,
had caused so much distress in my own life, left
me confused about how to move forward. Going
to therapy gave me tools to use to help put my-
self first. I started attending support groups with
other people that struggled with putting them-
selves first. Over time I was able to identify what
I need and wanted and how to get it. Life felt
worth living again and I could smile. If my story
sounds familiar or similar to yours I want you to
know you are not alone. It took awhile for me to
accept it was time to seek help, and it took even
longer to learn how to live a life free of helping
everyone and neglecting myself. Below I have
added 4 tips I learned during my journey that
will be helpful for you.
1. It is okay to say no.
It was a shock to me to discover that the word
“no” is a full and complete sentence. I was a per-
son who wanted to save the World. Saying no
was almost impossible. Even the word “no” felt
34 | HELPFUL LIVING MAGAZINE
mean and heartless to me, especially if I was in a
position to help someone. I never thought about
myself. I always put myself in the other person’s
shoes and made comments to myself like “Tane-
shia, if it was you, you would want them to help
you” or “Taneshia, just do it this one time God
will bless you”. The idea that I am constantly
enabling other people and not allowing them to
learn life’s lessons never cross my mind. If this
sounds like you, practice saying “no” more. It is
okay if you can’t help someone, and you definite-
ly should never be helping anyone at the cost of
suffering in the long run.
2. Setting boundaries is a must.
Now this one may be more of a challenge for
you, and if it is don’t worry. If you can say “no” ,
setting boundaries will soon be easy too. (First
let me explain what a boundary is- in case your
story is similar to mine and you don’t know what
a boundary is) A boundary is a rule you put in
place to avoid feeling exhausted or drained by
others. Here are a few examples of boundaries:
Letting loved ones know you do not answer your
phone after a certain time, telling a friend or
I was lethargic, moody, didn’t
feel like getting dressed, and
wigs had become my best friend
because I didn’t have energy to
do my hair. It felt like life was
over. I felt stuck in a World of
sadness and pain and did not
know how to get out of it.
loved one you do not allow people to borrow
money from you, etc. Boundaries are NEEDED
in order to maintain a relationship (intimate
or platonic). When boundaries are in place it
allows everyone involved to know what is
acceptable and what is expected from them.
Creating boundaries and keeping the bound-
aries you create is a game changer.
3. You are worth it
You are worth saying no and having bound-
aries. Oftentimes we struggle to say “no” and
set boundaries with others because we feel
guilt or shame. You have nothing to feel guilty
about. If you are anything like I was I am sure
you have gave, gave, gave, and gave some
more. It is likely time for you to put yourself
first. Putting your needs first is NOT a selfish
act. It is a necessary one. Give yourself some of
the love you are giving to everyone else.
4. Rest
It is time for you to rest. Running around
making sure all of your friends and family
are taken care of is kind of you, but you can
be honest with me, (I am a safe space) it can With Love,
be exhausting. If you are fine with taking Taneshia Johnson xoxoxox
care of everyone and you also take care of
yourself. Great! Kudos to you and keep up the Find out more about me at
good work. However, if you find that you are www.tjselfcare.com
missing things you need to do for yourself like Facebook: TJselfcare
scheduling doctor’s appointments, pampering
yourself, or doing something fun, then it may Instagram: TJselfcare
be time to take a break from everyone else and Tumblir: TJselfcare
focus on you.
I hope this article has been helpful and healing Youtube: Taneshia Tjselfcare Johnson
to you. While on your journey to peace and
joy always remember, no one is more import-
ant than you.
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