Page 96 - Society Life_Feb_2019

SKParenting101 FUNNY TALES

FROM PARENTHOOD

pillar with a perma-grin that she placed in the
lower, right-hand corner of my masterpiece. I
pled with Revi to cede the canvas to her better.
She refused. I refused to allow the abomina-
tion to remain. I distracted her with a Twinkie
and a juice box. Then I laid the caterpillar
to rest under a curling stroke left by Jonson Pol-
lock’s departing spirit. I proudly presented the
artwork to Shannon. She said it looked angry.

The ever-growing distance forming between
Revi and me made Shannon uneasy. I didn’t
mind it. I needed a break. Since the depar-
tures of Mr. Flatlass and Mr. Jonson, I needed
to rediscover myself. One afternoon while I was
GAME ON watching basketball, Shannon demanded that I
do something worthwhile with my daughter, so
I invited Revi to watch basketball. Revi refused
.................................................................................................................................... on account that her favorite team, the Dallas
Cowboys (yes, the football team) was not playing. In-
I’ve always been the competitive type. I played basketball in high
stead, she suggested we play dollhouse. I refused,
school. What I won’t admit to you is that it was in 9th grade. I was the on account that dollhouse people are too plastic
second to last off the bench. I also played soccer in high school. What and they live in the gilded world of make believe.
Shannon intervened.
I won’t admit to you is that bears, fittingly our mascot, cannot play
soccer in the wild or in suburban Detroit. I thought the birth of our She dropped between us, a children’s edition
daughter would soften my competitive spirit. After all, she is a girl. of Monopoly. With it, the real estate hound
............................................................................................................................ spirit of Donald Trump dropped into my
body. I fixed my hair and immediately de-
A couple of months ago, after an intense Understandably, the fall-out from the flex-off manded that Revi concede on account that
workout levitating weights, mostly with my strained my relationship with Revi. In order time is money, and Revi was out of time.
mind, I hit the shower. While I waited for the to repair it, my wife wanted me to spend more While I pondered the meaning of the de-
shower to warm, I kept the bathroom hot by time with Revi. Her solution was a father and mand, Revi acquired properties and took all
performing power flexes that knifed through daughter art lesson. The art teacher presented my money. Destitute, I found comfort in that
the steam onto their rightful place on the us with a large canvas to share under the I could return to the basketball game. When
mirror. In between a bicep pump and a pec- pretense that our art would forever bond us. I pushed away from the game board, Revi
toral wink, Revi burst into the bathroom in I began the abstract from my inside-out, full informed me that the game was not over. She
search of her toothbrush. Fortunately, I (or Mr. of sour yellows and brooding grays. Our in- wanted to break the bank and my spirit!
Flatlass—as my wife sometimes refers to me—as an structor commented that I reminded her of an
endearing play on Mr. Atlas), was wearing a towel. obscure artist named Jonson Pollok of whom, For the next two hours I rolled dice and as-
I should have been wearing more. Revi she assured me, was no relation to Jackson. sumed loans that I would never pay back.
snatched her toothbrush and on the way out When the last dollar transferred to Revi’s
snidely said, “You have a stomach like a I awoke from my creative trance when the account, the spirit of Donald Trump left my
woman. You should do gymnastics like me.” teacher complimented Revi on her still-life body and into it entered the spirit of the
illustration of a blue, oxygen deprived cater- Twinkie that Revi consumed in victory.
I wasn’t sure what to make of her incendiary
comment. A seven-year-old should be more
About the writer:
in tune with Twinkies and juice boxes than JON SALINSKY | Jon is the slightly jaded father to his perfect daughter
abdominal muscle strata. I have not known Revi and husband to his slightly exasperated wife Shannon—who is also a
women to have hairy tummies, but maybe I’ve contributor to Society Life. He is a regular SL contributor for our Society
been married too long. Was she suggesting that Kids Parenting101 and FatherHood features. Jon spends his evenings
and weekends in self-proclaimed “Concretia”—aka Dallas/Fort Worth
I was with child? Without as much as a shoulder
suburbia. On the weekdays, he spins as a corporate cog. He’s determined
shrug, the spirit of Mr. Flatlass left my body.
to achieve mediocrity and finally answer the question, “Why me?”
94 FEBRUARY 2019 | SocietyLifeMag.com