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RELATIONSHIPS GENERAL INTEREST

Rabbi Ezra Bick Rabbi Ben Zion Shafier
abbi Ben Zion Shafier
R

How Do You Know

She’s The Right One?

got a call from a fellow who said, was predetermined by Hashem for you. her from moving forward but she can’t
“Rebbe, you have to help me.” “Sure, You’ve done your proper hishtadlut. quite put her finger on it.
I sure. What’s up?” I replied. “Well, Now you move forward with confidence It may well be that he isn’t the right
I was set up with this girl, and I think and assurance that Hashem has pre-
I’m going to fall for her.” “That’s great. determined the one right for you and person for her. However, there are many
So what’s the problem?” “What’s the brought her to you. times she’s stopping herself from feeling
problem? That’s the problem. She’s it’s a good fit because (and now fill in
not what I’m looking for! I want a girl 32 Reasons to Drop Someone the blank):
who…” and he went on to list the “Miss One of the complications with this That’s when she needs help sorting out
Potato Head” qualities that he needed system is that when a person has a feel- her feelings, and she should speak to
to be truly happy.
ing this is the right one, they won’t allow someone older and wiser for direction.
It took me almost an hour to help him themselves to feel it. “I need someone Most often, that guidance is to help
see what he was doing. He had a clear smarter, or taller, or richer, or funnier, you sort out what’s realistic, what you
image of the kind of girl he was going to or more easygoing, or more driven,” or should be looking for, and more than
marry, and this young woman did not whatever imaginable attribute people anything, what you are feeling. At the
fit that picture. But that was the prob- can think up. So they say no. end of the day, the decision is yours.
lem – he wasn’t looking for his bashert. Now you may ask, aren’t these things
He was out looking for his choice – the important? Good family, smart, and Hashem gave you an inner guidance
woman he fashioned in the image he attractive? Aren’t they huge contribu- system: the superb set of emotions,
formed – and he was convinced that tors to the success of a marriage? The understandings and intuitions we call
nothing but that would bring him last- answer is they are incredibly important, your heart. Sometimes, however, you
ing happiness. He wasn’t focused on and if you were putting together your need help sorting through exactly what
the fact that it’s Hashem’s job to create Mrs. Potato Head, I think you should you’re feeling. And that’s where it’s
people. And it’s Hashem’s job to find grab a whole big bunch of all of them. invaluable to have someone older and
matches for those people. wiser to guide you.
But that’s the point. You aren’t creat-
The proper way to go out is to forget all ing your bashert; you are searching for But the guidance isn’t to make the deci-
the criteria, skip the laundry lists, drop her. And you don’t know whether she is sion for you. It’s to help you focus on
all the “I needs” and “I wants,” and ask smart, or pretty, or comes from a good how you feel. Your heart may know, but
only one question: how do I feel about family or not. There is only one thing cutting through the static and asking
this person? Not, is she the best girl I you will know about her – that she’s the yourself, “What do I honestly feel?”
can get? Not even, is she the best one one Hashem picked for you. The way
for me? Or, do I see myself in 20 years you tell that is by allowing your heart
from now being happy with her? to tell you.
Ask yourself how you feel now. Is
there a certain comfort level? Does The Other Side of the Fence
it just seem to be right? If she passed This doesn’t only apply to men. A Rabbi Ben Zion Shafier is a veteran edu-
the paper test, and the answer to this woman might be going out with some- cator and noted relationships expert who
question is yes, then that’s the sign she’s one, and she’ll say, “It’s going well, served as a high school rebbe for 15 years
the right person. She is the person who but…” And there’s something blocking before creating TheShmuz.com.

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