Page 39 - HaMizrachiChayei Sarah AUS 2020

RELATIONSHIPS GENERAL INTEREST

Rabbi Moshe Berliner

Leaving and Leveraging

mmediately after man’s creation, Rivka grew up in the house of Lavan. walk in the ways of G-d, to develop
the Torah proclaims the funda- She understood that Esav would never our potential to bring out the
Imental rule for a successful mar- accept Ya’akov’s ownership of olam fundamental good that G-d implanted
riage: ק ַ ב ָ ד ְ ו ֹו ּ מ ִ א ת ֶ א ְ ו וי ִ ב ָ א ת ֶ א ׁשי ִ א בָז ֲ עַי ן ֵּ כ ל ַ ע haba. He would fight to control both in our souls. It is there inside us. Our
ֹו ּ ת ׁ ְ ש ִ א ְּ ב – “so a man should leave his worlds. Had time allowed, the Malbim responsibility is to use all we have
father and his mother and cling to his explains, Rivka would have spoken inherited from them in ways that help
wife.” with her husband, but Yitzchak acted us achieve what is important.
unexpectantly without consulting
The focus of one’s identity moves her. He asked Esav to prepare a meal Rivka, growing up in the house of
from being the child of one’s parent for him in order to bless him. Rivka Lavan, learned about subterfuge.
to being a person in his own right. He had no time for discussions. She had While deception is a totally
must “leave” his childhood identity to act. In this situation, fraught with unacceptable basis for normative
and emerge as an independent adult, danger to the future of Am Yisrael, human interactions, in the unique
ready to join another in the sanctity of she turned to her experience growing situation in which Rivka found
marriage. up in the house of Lavan. She knew herself, even subterfuge became the
how to act with subterfuge in order vital vehicle through which G-d’s Will
This leaving is fundamentally a was achieved.
psychological\emotional process. to ensure that what was vital would
There are times however when a come to fruition. She acted outside Marriage entails a fundamental
person must physically leave their the usual acceptable rules of openness “leaving” of our parents. This leaving
family in order to establish their and understanding to ensure that has two elements. The first is the need
own identity. We see for example G-d’s Will would succeed. Yitzchak’s to ground one’s identity in oneself, not
that leaving their home before or response, when he became aware in our family of origin. The second
of the subterfuge, showed that he
after marriage is a repeated motif element which we learn from Rivka is
of the Avot and Imahot. One might accepted that Rivka’s actions, carried that all we inherit from our parents,
out by their son Ya’akov, were correct.
suggest that Yitzchak too becomes even those negative elements – which
ready to marry only after undergoing Rav Kook teaches us that all middot must be expressed only in a unique
the transforming experience of the are intrinsically good. In addition, all situation and in the most vigilant way
Akeida. Through that experience he experiences, even the most difficult, – can be used to further G-d’s Will in
emerges as a new individual with a contain the potential to enrich us to the world.
new independent identity. He is then serve our desire to fulfill G-d’s will.
ready to marry Rivka. Our middot and our experiences serve
as the basis of our actions. We must
Rivka teaches us an additional always act carefully, only after deep
meaning of “leaving” one’s parent’s consideration of the consequences
home. Rivka and Yitzchak disagree of our behavior. But both our natural
concerning which of their children middot, as well as the lessons we have
should inherit the Abrahamic learned from our experience growing
tradition. The Malbim explains that up in our parents’ home, can be used
Yitzchak foresaw a future successful to enrich our lives and deepen our
union between Esav representing this wisdom in the ways we express G-d’s
world and Ya’akov representing olam Will.
haba. His model was Zevulun and Rabbi Moshe Berliner is an author, M.S.W.
and therapist specializing in family and mar-
Yissachar. Therefore, he felt that Esav Most of us have been blessed by riage. His book “To Build and to Bond: Living
should receive the blessing for success parents who did all they could Well in a Jewish Marriage” is published by
in this world. to enrich our lives, to teach us to Mizrachi Press.

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