Page 38 - HaMizrachiChayei Sarah AUS 2020

GENERAL INTEREST PARENTING

Rabbi Yakov Horowitz

Avoiding Hurtful Labels

he Vilna Gaon says that the terms of outcomes and consequences time when an adult-figure in your
best criticism – the only valid will hopefully enable your child to life called you a less-than-flattering
Trebuke – is focused on future grow from the unpleasant experience name? What was the label the person
improvement. We should not dwell of being on the receiving end of your gave you? What do you think that
on what happened in the past, but be rebuke. person was trying to convey to you?
clear what kind of behavior we would Several years ago, I was invited by the And finally, how effective was his
like to see in the future. That’s a posi- owner of a summer camp to conduct criticism?”
tive message. “Yesterday you may have a staff-development lecture with his The young man related how he had
done something wrong. Here’s what I counselors. I addressed several topics been admonished for his (admittedly)
would like to see from you tomorrow.” – among them the subject of con- inappropriate dress on a school day,
When disciplining your child, try structive criticism. I began by asking and how a member of the faculty
to frame the discussion in terms of for a volunteer willing to describe the used a label with negative connota-
consequences as opposed to punish- last time he criticized a camper. tions when delivering the criticism.
ments. Framing the consequences It was quiet for a few moments. Then Of course, he shared with his peers
as logical outcomes of improper a very charming young man raised that the rebuke was ineffective, and
behavior makes for less resentment his hand. “I admonished one of my upon reflection, he mentioned he was
on your child’s part. It will also, in campers today in front of the whole clearly resentful about having been
all likelihood, result in long-term bunk,” he proudly stated. I asked him given an insulting label.
improvement. to describe what happened. I suggested to the camp counselor
A consequence can loosely be defined “Well, I caught him going through that instead of calling the boy a thief,
as an outcome of one’s poor behavior. my things in my cubby. He was read- another way to handle the incident
There is a direct correlation between ing a private letter of mine. And… would have been to say to him – pri-
the misdeed and its consequence. you know… I told him what he had to vately, without humiliating him in
Your child can learn positive, long- hear.” front of his peers – “You’re a nice kid,
term lessons about avoiding these Before he launched into any further and I’m very disappointed that a boy
types of consequences in the future details, I immediately told him that like you would invade my privacy and
by exhibiting self-control and avoid- unless he was an angel, I was quite take something belonging to me.”
ing the behavior that resulted in the confident he had not handled this sit- When giving criticism to our chil-
consequence. uation well. I explained to him that he dren, it is important to offer them an

A consequence of a child leaving a was simply too close to the situation. opportunity to make amends, to right
messy room would be to have him The offense was not something he’d the wrong. It is important to tell our
or her clean it up during a time he or observed being done to someone else children what they did wrong, but it
she would rather be out with friends. – it had been perpetrated against him is equally important to tell them how
A punishment would be not allowing personally. And he didn’t have time to they may make it right.
the child to go to the park later in the carefully formulate a response.
day after the room has been cleaned. Sure enough, his response had been,
The punishment in this case has “You’re a thief, and I’m never going to
nothing to do with the misdeed. trust you again,” in the presence of the

Obviously, punishments are in order entire bunk. Moreover, he informed Rabbi Yakov Horowitz is the Founding Dean
when misdeeds are done, and there the child, “I’m going to tell your of Yeshiva Darchei Noam and the Director
of Bright Beginnings. The entire Bright
are many types of poor behavior teacher about this.” Beginnings innovative Beginner Gemara
that cannot be presented as conse- I was quiet for a moment. Then and Chumash books are now available on
quences. But creatively thinking in I asked him, “Can you think of a Amazon at https://amzn.to/3hpKdqc.

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