Page 14 - Mizrachi-RZC Sefer Berachot 5781

Teshuva and the Art of Being 50-50
Rabbi Jonathan Shulman
Director, Yavneh

The Talmud suggests the following meditation for success in
teshuva: A person should always see themselves as if they are half
guilty and half innocent, if they do one mitzvah – how happy they
will be that they have tilted their judgment favorably; if they
commit one transgression, woe to them because they have tipped
the scales of judgment to guilt (Kiddushin 40a).
How can I see myself as 50-50 when I’m not? And even if I
succeed once, when I do that next mitzvah I’m now ahead 51-50,
so how can I continue to delude myself? And why if I commit one
sin should I “lose much”? Shouldn’t the score be 50-51, if I didn’t
really lose anything except the last round?
The Talmud continues: Rabbi Shimon ben Yochai says: even
someone who was completely righteous their entire life but rebels
at the end of their life – loses all the original merit that they
accumulated. (The Talmud now questions the statement that the
righteous person lost all their merit through one sin.) Let us look
at him like a person with half sins and half merits! Answers Reish
Lakish: this person completely regretted all the good they ever did
in life.
Before the Talmud understood the answer of Reish Lakish and the
proper meaning of Rabbi Shimon’s statement, why did the Talmud
suppose that the fully righteous person who sinned once should be
50-50? He should be 100-1!
We see from these passages a radically different way to approach
teshuva and our growth. Growth and repentance are not measured
on a scorecard, and following the path of Torah is not merely
keeping track of mitzvot and transgressions. Of course performing
mitzvot and living according to the Torah is the central path of our
lives, but the focus of teshuva and personal growth is not
measured by a tally of our wins and losses. Rather we are judged
as people by our willingness and ability to struggle with the things
which are 50-50 for us. The Talmud is not asking us to delude
ourselves into thinking we are worse or better than we are, rather
it is encouraging us to focus our attention on that aspect of our
lives which is really a struggle for us. And amazingly, if we
succeed or fail there, we are judged by that struggle alone because
that struggle is the true measure of our humanity.