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GENERAL INTEREST PARENTING

Rabbi Yakov Horowitz

Avoiding Hurtful Labels

he Vilna Gaon says that the terms of outcomes and consequences I was quiet for a moment. Then I
best criticism – the only valid will hopefully enable your child to asked him, “Can you think of a time
Trebuke – is focused on future grow from the unpleasant experience when an adult-figure in your life called
improvement. We should not dwell of being on the receiving end of your you a less-than-flattering name? What
on what happened in the past, but be rebuke. was the label the person gave you?
clear what kind of behavior we would What do you think that person was
like to see in the future. That’s a posi- Several years ago, I was invited by the trying to convey to you? And finally,
owner of a summer camp to conduct
tive message. “Yesterday you may have how effective was his criticism?”
done something wrong. Here’s what I a staff-development lecture with his
would like to see from you tomorrow.” counselors. I addressed several topics The young man related how he had
– among them the subject of construc- been admonished for his (admittedly)
When disciplining your child, try to tive criticism. I began by asking for a inappropriate dress on a school day,
frame the discussion in terms of con- volunteer willing to describe the last and how a member of the faculty
sequences as opposed to punishments. time he criticized a camper.
Framing the consequences as logical used a label with negative connota-
outcomes of improper behavior makes It was quiet for a few moments. Then tions when delivering the criticism.
for less resentment on your child’s a very charming young man raised Of course, he shared with his peers
part. It will also, in all likelihood, result his hand. “I admonished one of my that the rebuke was ineffective, and
in long-term improvement. campers today in front of the whole upon reflection, he mentioned he was
bunk,” he proudly stated. I asked him clearly resentful about having been
A consequence can loosely be defined to describe what happened. given an insulting label.
as an outcome of one’s poor behavior.
There is a direct correlation between “Well, I caught him going through I suggested to the camp counselor
the misdeed and its consequence. my things in my cubby. He was read- that instead of calling the boy a thief,
Your child can learn positive, long- ing a private letter of mine. And… another way to handle the incident
term lessons about avoiding these you know… I told him what he had to would have been to say to him – pri-
types of consequences in the future hear.” vately, without humiliating him in
by exhibiting self-control and avoid- Before he launched into any further front of his peers – “You’re a nice kid,
ing the behavior that resulted in the details, I immediately told him that and I’m very disappointed that a boy
consequence. unless he was an angel, I was quite like you would invade my privacy and

A consequence of a child leaving a confident he had not handled this sit- take something belonging to me.”
messy room would be to have him or uation well. I explained to him that he When giving criticism to our chil-
her clean it up during a time he or she was simply too close to the situation. dren, it is important to offer them an
would rather be out with friends. A The offense was not something he’d opportunity to make amends, to right
punishment would be not allowing the observed being done to someone else the wrong. It is important to tell our
child to go to the park later in the day – it had been perpetrated against him children what they did wrong, but it
after the room has been cleaned. The personally. And he didn’t have time to
punishment in this case has nothing to carefully formulate a response. is equally important to tell them how
do with the misdeed. Sure enough, his response had been, they may make it right.

Obviously, punishments are in order “You’re a thief, and I’m never going to Rabbi Yakov Horowitz is the Founding Dean
of Yeshiva Darchei Noam and the Director of
when misdeeds are done, and there trust you again,” in the presence of the Bright Beginnings. The entire Bright Begin-
are many types of poor behavior entire bunk. Moreover, he informed nings innovative Beginner Gemara and Chu-
that cannot be presented as conse- the child, “I’m going to tell your mash books are now available on Amazon
quences. But creatively thinking in teacher about this.” at https://amzn.to/3hpKdqc.

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