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RELATIONSHIPS GENERAL INTEREST

Rabbi Moshe Berliner

Leaving and Leveraging

mmediately after man’s creation, should receive the blessing for success wisdom in the ways we express G-d’s
the Torah proclaims the funda- in this world. Will.
Imental rule for a successful mar-
riage: ק ַ ב ָ ד ְ ו ֹו ּ מ ִ א ת ֶ א ְ ו וי ִ ב ָ א ת ֶ א ׁשי ִ א בָז ֲ עַי ן ֵּ כ ל ַ ע Rivka grew up in the house of Lavan. Most of us have been blessed by
ֹו ּ ת ׁ ְ ש ִ א ְּ ב – “so a man should leave his She understood that Esav would never parents who did all they could to
father and his mother and cling to his accept Ya’akov’s ownership of olam enrich our lives, to teach us to walk
wife.” haba. He would fight to control both in the ways of G-d, to develop our
worlds. Had time allowed, the Malbim potential to bring out the fundamental
The focus of one’s identity moves explains, Rivka would have spoken good that G-d implanted in our souls.
from being the child of one’s parent with her husband, but Yitzchak acted It is there inside us. Our responsibility
to being a person in his own right. He unexpectantly without consulting her. is to use all we have inherited from
must “leave” his childhood identity He asked Esav to prepare a meal for them in ways that help us achieve what
and emerge as an independent adult, him in order to bless him. Rivka had is important.
ready to join another in the sanctity of no time for discussions. She had to act.
marriage. In this situation, fraught with danger Rivka, growing up in the house of
Lavan, learned about subterfuge.
This leaving is fundamentally a to the future of Am Yisrael, she turned While deception is a totally
psychological\emotional process. to her experience growing up in the unacceptable basis for normative
There are times however when a house of Lavan. She knew how to act human interactions, in the unique
person must physically leave their with subterfuge in order to ensure that situation in which Rivka found herself,
family in order to establish their what was vital would come to fruition. even subterfuge became the vital
own identity. We see for example She acted outside the usual acceptable vehicle through which G-d’s Will was
that leaving their home before or rules of openness and understanding achieved.
after marriage is a repeated motif to ensure that G-d’s Will would Marriage entails a fundamental
of the Avot and Imahot. One might succeed. Yitzchak’s response, when “leaving” of our parents. This leaving
suggest that Yitzchak too becomes he became aware of the subterfuge, has two elements. The first is the need
ready to marry only after undergoing showed that he accepted that Rivka’s to ground one’s identity in oneself, not
the transforming experience of the actions, carried out by their son in our family of origin. The second
Akeida. Through that experience he Ya’akov, were correct. element which we learn from Rivka is
emerges as a new individual with a Rav Kook teaches us that all middot that all we inherit from our parents,
new independent identity. He is then are intrinsically good. In addition, all even those negative elements – which
ready to marry Rivka.
experiences, even the most difficult, must be expressed only in a unique
Rivka teaches us an additional contain the potential to enrich us to situation and in the most vigilant way
meaning of “leaving” one’s parent’s serve our desire to fulfill G-d’s will. – can be used to further G-d’s Will in
home. Rivka and Yitzchak disagree Our middot and our experiences serve the world.
concerning which of their children as the basis of our actions. We must
should inherit the Abrahamic always act carefully, only after deep
tradition. The Malbim explains that consideration of the consequences
Yitzchak foresaw a future successful of our behavior. But both our natural
union between Esav representing this middot, as well as the lessons we have Rabbi Moshe Berliner is an author, M.S.W.
and therapist specializing in family and mar-
world and Ya’akov representing olam learned from our experience growing riage. His book “To Build and to Bond: Living
haba. His model was Zevulun and up in our parents’ home, can be used Well in a Jewish Marriage” is published by
Yissachar. Therefore, he felt that Esav to enrich our lives and deepen our Mizrachi Press.

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