Page 53 - 2022-2023 Creative Writing

Swirling Storm of Depression

I've cancelled plans for Christmas with my parents. It’s been there the whole time. When I look

back, roughly every moment of my life had a flash of it. I am not sure when it started. I have

figured something was always wrong with me. It was the days I was tired of school without a

reason when I was at the top. Or the days I sat to do my homework but ended up staring at the

wall cycling through my thoughts for hours.

People who know me would have never guessed. They don't see the hours I spent crying over

nothing but everything. They don't see the days I spent wishing it would just end. They don't see

the hesitations I have every night whether I should be dead. They don't see the struggles I have

every morning trying to lift myself weighed down by gloomy visions, after waking up, which

seems to be the only thing I am best at.

Most of my days were not different from those of the average college student. University used to

be the forbidden stream of assignments and pressure from thoughts about my future. I cried when

I had a chance, uncontrollably, for reasons I couldn't ascertain. I felt like the world was darker

and heavier, and I was straining under the weight.

My mother likes to think being away will make it worse. I on the other hand know that my
depression isn't as bad when I am away. I feel like I have more time for self-reflection. She never

accepted my depression. She thinks it is an excuse for me to get attention.

Finally, I got to move out and live by myself. I have work that became the reason I pushed myself

out of bed. Christmas was around the corner. I was planning to spend the holiday as I usually do

watching fireworks and roaring thoughts in my head. Then I got a call from my mother. She

invited me to celebrate together, but I refused, and we ended up arguing. If I knew it was my last

day, l could have been a little nicer to my mom. I could have celebrated Christmas together with

her.

I could have persuaded my body more. Most importantly, I could have fought.

11B Enkhtuguldur