Page 153 - harryDEC12_clean.iba

If I reported to her on that I could not avoid the impression that she felt satisfaction and gloating. She enjoyed compromising me of that I was sure and I lost my self-esteem, bit by bit. Not only my business, my soul too was damaged by all that. Slowly and unstoppably an indefinite but permanent feeling of guilt rose up in me and became my constant companion until it totally controlled me, fomented by Martha’s constant reproaches of my bad character, my insensibility, and my dissipated lifestyle, which at that point was nothing than a free or conscious figment of her imagination. In my helplessness in handling that situation - my vision of reality got blurred and I could no longer distinguish between reality and fantasy.
She was the puppet-mistress, I was the marionette.
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Frequently I wake up at night, bathed in sweat, with pressure on my chest or the feeling of not being able to breathe. I do not know what to do. I perform my business work with less goal-orientation and increasingly withdraw from the usual entertainment with German and foreign business partners. I noticeably ponder on whether business trips are necessary and avoid going to official events. My consumption of alcohol increases rapidly. I go backwards. Often I spent till midnight in his office, and that gets me the accusing question about where on earth I was hanging out. One night I find myself sitting at my desk, shaken by uncontrollable sobbing. Afterwards I feel liberated and analyze all the symptoms that have befallen me in recent months: tiredness, feelings of exhaustion, lack of energy, depression, reduced self-confidence, self-doubts, increase in senseless brooding, lack of interests, apathy, no sexual desire - all of them extremely unusual for me. In fact on my last visit to London I had knocked back an initiation to one of my favoured private clubs, much to the surprise of my partners. There is no question in my mind any more that depression is setting in. The changes in my character do not escape my father’s notice. He has meanwhile married again - a hairdresser. Before doing so he has invited his three sons to a lunch in the Hotel Vierjahreszeiten and starts the meal with the words:
"Well, gentlemen, I’ve decided to marry again. She’s not a society lady, and to describe her character appropriately ... Christel is the type who, if someone has 50 pfennig and someone has a Mark, can easily decide which one to go to. She rides well and will not cause me any of the problems that my academic offspring seems to be experiencing".
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