Page 229 - The Houseguest

match her brother’s courage? I began to believe she was covertly suggesting that I try to kill myself in the same manner. After all, the surroundings and tools were at my disposal, just as they had been for Brian. I recognized once again, an unmistakable “eye for an eye” opportunity, only this time I was on the contributing end.
Rachel was right sending me that poem. I’d made a mess of my “dash” and didn’t deserve to still be breathing.
During my journey, I have been writing these stories, penning the good ones through the eyes of the decent man I once was, and the rest in the true voice of who I had sadly become. If you’re reading this account of my “dash,” I was successful in the finale I’ve chosen, and yes, (Laura) I was brave. Today, deep regret for the actions I’ve committed and the lives those actions changed forever rule my every thought. The places where my soul was once void of all emotion, are now flooded with intense feelings every minute, and that’s okay. Instead of denying them, I’ve let myself absorb the pain, the anguish, and most of all, the guilt. It is now possible for me to empathize with true and real compassion for everyone I’ve hurt. But the never-ending internal shame is more than my newly awakened conscience can bear. I am going to die Lance Powell Richards, not the automated, detached humanoid I had let myself become.
In my words, I have I professed the absolute truths to the world of what I’ve done, in case there is the slightest chance of redemption wherever my soul will land. If there is a heaven, which I’ve always doubted, I know I won’t be welcomed there. And if there is a hell, I hope it is not truly fire and brimstone. As I now prepare to end my life, I no longer
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The Houseguest by Linda Ellis www.LindaEllis.life