Page 29 - Student: dazed And Confused

bedroom isn't even this bad, and that's saying
summat.

Mom'll be chain-smoking and Dad'll be drinking
and reading the paper. That's what they do

every night - it's like a routine.

He punches eleven beeps and listens to ring-ring at
the other end. Eminem starts out quiet and chorus

drowns sound to finish "I'm sorry mama, I never
meant to hurt you, I never meant to make you cry,

but tonight, I'm cleaning out my closet"

TUTOR NOTES

ANALYSIS - You have provided a work of competence that has been considered for radio.
You have clearly understood how to write for the medium and created an imaginative script
by generating a contrasting use and range of acoustic settings. In shifting between the
world of the street to the interior of the flat you manage a construct a layered narrative.

SUGGESTIONS - The dialogue seems to work reasonably well although it would have
benfited from further editing as there are times when it doesn't move the action forward

quickly enough. In honing the material you would stand a better chance of keeping the
listeners full attention - notes on the script where dialogue seems to ramble. Although the
piece was slightly over fifteen minutes the closure felt rather abrupt. Perhaps by giving Jack
a greater sense of emotional journey his decision to then return would have been better
earned.

MARK - 60