Page 107 - WhyAsInY

a MissteP, a MisnoMer, anD soMe eleMentary MisaDventures
cat pin, the first rank on your long road to becoming a Webelos, you ask your mom, the den mother, to certify that you have identified five types of leaves in your area when, in truth, you’ve only ever seen the greenery of maple and oak trees in Brooklyn—unless you can persuasively argue that “do my best” modifies not just “do my duty” but also “obey the Law of the Pack.”
• When a girl comes back to school from vacation or any other pro- longed absence with a Band-Aid on the bridge of her nose, you are ill advised to look at her, smile, and say, “A deviated septum? You too?”
• When asked to write and deliver a report concerning the modern political history of a foreign country of your choice, do not take your parents’ 1911 edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica, choose China as a suitable subject, take as your starting point AD 1271, copy thousands of words (many of which are incomprehensible to you) onto a ream of yellow-lined paper, and proceed to read the product of your labors to the class, because Mrs. Dalton will diplo- matically, but firmly, give you the hook as you start to say, “and then, in 1368, loyalists of the Ming dynasty completely subjugated the Yuan dynasty by. . . .”
• In fact, it is not wise to copy at all, even if, instead of using the incredibly prolix Britannica, you resort to the far easier World Book Encyclopedia, because your report on Switzerland will begin with the words “We are borne along on an iceberg . . . ,” a phrase that you don’t understand and, in any event, turns out to be incredibly stupid as, although there are small icebergs in Switzerland, they are far from the most prominent feature of Swiss geography, and they move very slowly. (You should be thankful to your cousin Johnny, who taught you the art of outlining and then using your own words.)
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