Page 505 - WhyAsInY

sinGleD; out
I am an extremely affectionate mother of two adorable children who is very adventuresome, likes candle-lit dinners, long walks on the beach, watching sunsets, and the idea of having someone to take care of me for the next forty years. My teeth have all been crowned, so no worry there.
My approach to the response letters was somewhat simple-minded. Triage was necessary: Were there typos? Misspellings? Poorly struc- tured sentences? Enough compound sentences? Did she use multiple exclamations points? Was there a picture enclosed? If so, were her chil- dren in it? How many? Her pet? Her outer garments? Did she mention that she had three cats? Did she volunteer her weight but not her height? Was she a fan of Jacqueline Susann? Of Donald Trump? L. Ron Hub- bard? Does she live in the Five Towns? Does she enjoy weaving? Square dancing? Going to synagogue? Church? How many tattoos does she have? Does she locate them for you? Did she draw a little heart near her signature? A happy face? Is her former husband a complete bastard who was a totally useless human being (if you can even use that term when it comes to him), not to mention a rotten father? Does she want to get even with him? Were all of her former husbands complete bastards? You get the point.
I’ve now given you five basic methods to find a date or, better yet, a spouse if you find yourself male, single, and in your forties. We can’t end it there. For it would be unfair to you if I were to conclude this section without passing on some of the lessons of universal application that I learned during my period as a single man, editorializing and expatiating where I deem it appropriate, as I did in the case of my time spent in P.S. 193, a roughly analogous period in my life. So, here goes:
• Do not spend money like a drunken sailor!
• If you stand to the side of the window of a coin-operated washing machine, carefully insert four quarters into the appropriate slot with an air of confidence and good tempo, do the same with your laundry, without overfilling the tub, and then study the control knobs so that
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