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60 Spirits, Witches & Science

10 alien reptoid celebrities

who are taking over the

Internet

Continued from Page 59

4) Nikola Tesla

Who: Beloved inventor, sometime rival of
Edison, and recent Internet icon
Why: Tesla was keenly interested in interstellar
communication. Several times over his long and
celebrated career, he expressed hope that he was
on the trail of establishing communication with
Mars. Like many scientists, he was certain that
we could not be alone in the universe, and that
the discovery of extraterrestrial life would create
“the foundation for a universal brotherhood.” immortal alien from another planet, and stated from sacrificing a goat to Satan in order to win
(So basically Tesla also invented Star Trek.) that Girly Chew’s murder had just been Brad Pitt’s affections to trafficking drugs and
But the connection with the reptoids “practice before the climax with the alien ‘New sex for a secret society in exchange for a pristine
really got started when Tesla’s long-time World Order.’” public image.
apprentice and assistant, Arthur Matthews, Then again, he also told police he really Jolie’s Buddhist tattoo lends itself to the
wrote a book 30 years after his death called The just wanted her dead. A lot. We guess it’s all speculation: “May your enemies run far away
Wall of Light: Nikola Tesla and the Venusian apples and oranges when you’re an immortal from you. If you acquire riches, may they
space ship, the X-12. In the book, which reads alien reptile. remain yours always. Your beauty will be that of
like a glorified fanfic about his former mentor, Apsara. Wherever you may go, many will
Matthews claimed that Tesla had always thought 6) Lorde attend, serve and protect you, surrounding you
he was from Venus. Matthews claimed to have on all sides.”
received visits from “Venusians” who took him Who: Someone who’s secretly been a Royal all Angelina also voiced a creature in
to visit their home planet as well as Mars. The along. Beowulf where she appears sporting a full-
Venusians also told him that Tesla had been born Why: Lorde’s sudden rise to fame, high length reptilian tail. And who’s about to appear
on their space ship. Over the years, Matthews’ cheekbones, and older-than-her-years persona as a shape-shifting dragon in the upcoming
story has been used to argue that the Venusians have sparked rampant speculation about her true Maleficent, again?
were obviously the Sumerian reptile aliens, reptilian identity. In the words of “HeWhoKnows:” “Her
making Tesla one of them. I, for one, welcome our new reptilian father is bloodline. She is one of us.”
What do you think? Brilliant scientist overLorde.
ahead of his time, or futuristic space traveling 10) Anderson Cooper
reptile? 7) Benedict Cumberbatch
Who: That dorky TV host from CNN.
5) Diazien Hossencofft Who: The beast of a thousand nicknames. Why: Does this really need explaining? He’s a
Why: According to the reptilian watch, the eyes Vanderbilt, one of the oldest reptilian families of
Who: A former beloved member of don’t lie. Is anyone really surprised? all. But for those of you who still require proof,
Albuquerque homeopathic community, Diazien you’re in luck. The Internet can’t stop talking
ran a fraudulent medical business peddling 8) Sean Connery, George Lazenby, and about Cooper’s reptilian origins.
alternative treatment for cancer while claiming Roger Moore For those of you still in doubt about how
to have numerous fake doctorates. to spot a shape-shifting reptile alien overlord,
That all changed when he was implicated the Internet has plenty of guides to help you see
Who: Tile. Rep Tile.
in the murder of his ex-wife, Girly Chew the truth. (Spoiler: the truth mostly involves bad
Why: Though we couldn’t find any verification
Hossencofft, a Malaysian immigrant who had pixellation, which means that basically, the
on this one, RationalWiki insists that David
come to America to marry him. After years of Internet is a giant lizard.) But be careful!
Icke, generally acknowledged to be the creator
domestic violence in which he threatened to kill Because the aliens are so good at their
of the reptiloid philosophy, believes that the first
her numerous times, Diazien became consumed infiltration, you could be a lizard and not be
three James Bonds are of the reptilian
with rage after Girly Chew divorced him. So he aware of it.
conspiracy. Given that Connery’s name is an
took the most logical route to dealing with her: anagram for “on every screen,” clearly this is all If you start to notice yourself blinking
He convinced his new girlfriend, a sideways, growing scales, or breathing fire, you
the evidence we need. Mostly, though, we’re
woman named Linda Henning, that he was a might be a lizard. However, if you haven’t been
just wondering why Timothy Dalton got a pass
rogue alien lizard working to expose other evil offered a position of extraordinary power lately,
from alien inspection.
reptoids—and that Girly Chew was the biggest. you’re probably one of the benevolent reptiloids
Henning was a UFO believer who once who just want to be loved.
9) Angelina Jolie
referred to herself as an “alien queen.” She also But if you think you might be slightly
told a friend that when she and Diazien made evil, fortunately for you, world power is within
Who: Infamous man-stealer who uses her
love, they would transform into cat people. your grasp. []
reptilian ways to work consistent magic at the
She’d only known Diazien six weeks before he
convinced her to help him kill Girly Chew for box office.
Why: For years, Jolie’s edgy lifestyle has
the good of mankind.
caused reptoid believers to cite her as one of the
Why: While Henning later claimed that reports
world’s most prominent reptilians. A recent
of her reptoid zealotry were greatly exaggerated,
outing in which Jolie appeared with white
Diazien Hossencofft gave chilling witness-stand
powder on her left cheek drew new alarm.
testimony revealing himself to be either deeply
Though it was probably just a highlighter
disturbed or deeply committed to his evil lizard
mishap, alarmists attacked her for everything
facade. At various points, he claimed to be an