Page 292 - A Little Life: A Novel

“I worry sometimes that you’ve decided to convince yourself that you’re
somehow unattractive or unlovable, and that you’ve decided that certain
experiences are off-limits for you. But they’re not, Jude: anyone would be

lucky to be with you,” says Willem a block later. Enough of this, he thinks;
he can tell by Willem’s tone that he is building up to a longer speech and he
is now actively anxious, his heart beating a funny rhythm.
“Willem,” he says, turning to him. “I think I’d better take a taxi after all;
I’m getting tired—I’d better get to bed.”
“Jude, come on,” says Willem, with enough impatience in his voice that
he flinches. “Look, I’m sorry. But really, Jude. You can’t just leave when

I’m trying to talk to you about something important.”
This stops him. “You’re right,” he says. “I’m sorry. And I’m grateful,
Willem, I really am. But this is just too difficult for me to discuss.”
“Everything’s too difficult for you to discuss,” says Willem, and he
flinches again. Willem sighs. “I’m sorry. I always keep thinking that
someday I’m going to talk to you, really talk to you, and then I never do,

because I’m afraid you’re going to shut down and then you won’t talk to me
at all.” They are silent, and he is chastened, because he knows Willem is
right—that is exactly what he’d do. A few years ago, Willem had tried to
talk to him about his cutting. They had been walking then too, and after a
certain point the conversation had become so intolerable that he had hailed
a cab and frantically pulled himself in, leaving Willem standing on the
sidewalk, calling his name in disbelief; he had cursed himself even as the

car sped south. Willem had been furious; he had apologized; they had made
up. But Willem has never initiated that conversation again, and neither has
he. “But tell me this, Jude: Are you ever lonely?”
“No,” he says, finally. A couple walks by, laughing, and he thinks of the
beginning of their walk, when they too were laughing. How has he
managed to ruin this night, the last time he will see Willem for months?

“You don’t need to worry about me, Willem. I’ll always be fine. I’ll always
be able to take care of myself.”
And then Willem sighs, and sags, and looks so defeated that he feels a
twist of guilt. But he is also relieved, because he senses that Willem doesn’t
know how to continue the conversation, and he will soon be able to redirect
him, and end the evening pleasantly, and escape. “You always say that.”
“Because it’s always true.”