Page 296 - A Little Life: A Novel

because they think that singlehood is his decision, a defiant violation of a
fundamental law of adulthood.
Either way, being single at forty is different from being single at thirty,

and with every year it becomes less understandable, less enviable, and more
pathetic, more inappropriate. For the past five years, he has attended every
partners’ dinner alone, and a year ago, when he became an equity partner,
he attended the partners’ annual retreat alone as well. The week before the
retreat, Lucien had come into his office one Friday night and sat down to
review the week’s business, as he often did. They talked about the retreat,
which was going to be in Anguilla, and which the two of them genuinely

dreaded, unlike the other partners, who pretended to dread it but actually
(he and Lucien agreed) were looking forward to it.
“Is Meredith coming?” he asked.
“She is.” There was a silence, and he knew what was coming next. “Are
you bringing anyone?”
“No,” he said.

Another silence, in which Lucien stared at the ceiling. “You’ve never
brought anyone to one of these events, have you?” asked Lucien, his voice
carefully casual.
“No,” he said, and then, when Lucien didn’t say anything, “Are you
trying to tell me something, Lucien?”
“No, of course not,” Lucien said, looking back at him. “This isn’t the sort
of firm where we keep track of those kinds of things, Jude, you know that.”

He had felt a flush of anger and embarrassment. “Except it clearly is. If
the management committee is saying something, Lucien, you have to tell
me.”
“Jude,” said Lucien. “We’re not. You know how much everyone here
respects you. I just think—and this is not the firm talking, just me—that I’d
like to see you settled down with someone.”

“Okay, Lucien, thanks,” he’d said, wearily. “I’ll take that under
advisement.”
But as self-conscious as he is about appearing normal, he doesn’t want a
relationship for propriety’s sake: he wants it because he has realized he is
lonely. He is so lonely that he sometimes feels it physically, a sodden clump
of dirty laundry pressing against his chest. He cannot unlearn the feeling.
People make it sound so easy, as if the decision to want it is the most

difficult part of the process. But he knows better: being in a relationship