Page 469 - A Little Life: A Novel

even Willem couldn’t save him, that he was irredeemable, that this
experience was forever ruined for him, was one of the greatest of his life.
Eventually, he made some rules for himself. First, he would never refuse

Willem, ever. If this was what Willem wanted, he could have it, and he
would never turn him away. Willem had sacrificed so much to be with him,
and had brought him such peace, that he was determined to try to thank him
however he could. Second, he would try—as Brother Luke had once asked
him—to show a little life, a little enthusiasm. Toward the end of his time
with Caleb, he had begun reverting to what he had done all his life: Caleb
would turn him over, and pull down his pants, and he would lie there and

wait. Now, with Willem, he tried to remember Brother Luke’s commands,
which he had always obeyed—Roll over; Now make some noise; Now tell
me you like it—and incorporate them when he could, so he would seem like
an active participant. He hoped his competency would somehow conceal his
lack of enthusiasm, and as Willem slept, he made himself remember the
lessons that Brother Luke taught him, lessons he had spent his adulthood

trying to forget. He knew Willem was surprised by his fluency: he, who had
always remained silent when the others had bragged about what they’d
done in bed, or what they hoped to; he, who could and did tolerate every
conversation his friends had about the subject but had never engaged in
them himself.
The third rule was that he would initiate sex once for every three times
Willem did, so it didn’t seem so uneven. And fourth, whatever Willem

wanted him to do, he would do. This is Willem, he would remind himself,
again and again. This is someone who would never intentionally hurt you.
Whatever he asks you to do is within reason.
But then he would see Brother Luke’s face before him. You trusted him,
too, the voice nagged him. You thought he was protecting you, too.
How dare you, he would argue with the voice. How dare you compare

Willem to Brother Luke.
What’s the difference? the voice snapped back. They both want the same
thing from you. You’re the same thing to them in the end.
Eventually his fear of the process diminished, though not his dread. He
had always known that Willem enjoyed sex, but he had been surprised and
dismayed that he seemed to enjoy it so much with him. He knew how unfair
he was being, but he found himself respecting Willem less for this, and

hating himself more for those feelings.