Page 548 - A Little Life: A Novel

hope, in his voice.
“No,” he said, and Jude winced. “I think you turned out extraordinary, all
things considered or not,” and finally, Jude smiled.

That night, they had discussed what they were going to do. “I’m afraid
you’re stuck with me,” he began, and when he saw how relieved Jude was,
he cursed himself for not making it clearer earlier that he was going to stay.
Then he gathered himself and they talked about physical matters: how far
he could go, what Jude didn’t want to do.
“We can do whatever you want, Willem,” Jude said.
“But you don’t like it,” he’d said.

“But I owe it to you,” Jude had said.
“No,” he told him. “It shouldn’t feel like something you owe me; and
besides, you don’t owe it to me.” He stopped. “If it’s not arousing for you,
it’s not for me, either,” he added, although, to his shame, he did still want to
have sex with Jude. He wouldn’t, not anymore, not if Jude didn’t want to,
but it didn’t mean he would be able to suddenly stop craving it.

“But you’ve sacrificed so much to be with me,” Jude said after a silence.
“Like what?” he asked, curious.
“Normalcy,” Jude said. “Social acceptability. Ease of life. Coffee, even. I
can’t add sex to that list.”
They had talked and talked, and he had finally managed to convince him,
had managed to get Jude to define what he actually liked. (It hadn’t been
much.) “But what are you going to do?” Jude asked him.

“Oh, I’ll be fine,” he said, not really knowing himself.
“You know, Willem,” Jude had said, “you should obviously sleep with
whomever you want. I just”—he fumbled—“I know this is selfish, but I just
don’t want to hear about it.”
“It’s not selfish,” he said, reaching across the bed for him. “And I
wouldn’t do that, not ever.”

That was eight months ago, and in those eight months, things had gotten
better: not, Willem thought, his former version of better, in which he
pretended everything was fine and ignored all inconvenient evidence or
suspicions that suggested otherwise, but actually better. He could tell Jude
really was more relaxed: he was less inhibited physically, he was more
affectionate, and he was both of those things because he knew that Willem
had released him from what he thought were his obligations. He was cutting

himself far less frequently. Now he didn’t need Harold or Andy to confirm