Page 587 - A Little Life: A Novel

glances at him and, without even asking, starts walking him back east to
Greene Street—reassures him: he is making the right decision. He has
pressed up against the inevitable, and he has made the only choice he could

make, not just for Willem’s sake, but for his own. The walk has been almost
unbearable, and when he gets back to the apartment, he is surprised to feel
that his face is wet with tears.
The next morning, Harold and Julia meet them at the hospital, looking
gray and frightened. He can tell they are trying to remain stoic for him; he
hugs and kisses them both, assures them he’ll be fine, that there’s nothing to
worry about. He is taken away to be prepped. Since the injury, the hair on

his legs has always grown unevenly, around and between the scars, but now
he is shaved clean above and below his kneecaps. Andy comes in, holds his
face in his hands, and kisses him on his forehead. He doesn’t say anything,
just takes out a marker and draws a series of dashes, like Morse code
signals, in inverted arcs a few inches below the bottoms of both knees, then
tells him he’ll be back, but that he’ll send Willem in.

Willem comes over and sits on the edge of his bed, and they hold each
other’s hands in silence. He is about to say something, make some stupid
joke, when Willem begins to cry, and not just cry, but keen, bending over
and moaning, sobbing like he has never seen anyone sob. “Willem,” he
says, desperately, “Willem, don’t cry: I’m going to be fine. I really am.
Don’t cry. Willem, don’t cry.” He sits up in the bed, wraps his arms around
Willem. “Oh, Willem,” he sighs, near tears himself. “Willem, I’m going to

be okay. I promise you.” But he can’t soothe him, and Willem cries and
cries.
He senses that Willem is trying to say something, and he rubs his back,
asking him to repeat himself. “Don’t go,” he hears Willem say. “Don’t leave
me.”
“I promise I won’t,” he says. “I promise. Willem—it’s an easy surgery.

You know I have to come out on the other side so Andy can lecture me
some more, right?”
It is then that Andy walks in. “Ready, campers?” he asks, and then he
sees and hears Willem. “Oh god,” he says, and he comes over, joins their
huddle. “Willem,” he says, “I promise I’ll take care of him like he’s my
own, you know that, right? You know I won’t let anything happen to him?”
“I know,” they hear Willem gulp, at last. “I know, I know.”