Page 119 - Demo

Wife Abuse: One Woman%u2019s StruggleWith Violence And How She Escaped to a New LifeBY SHELLEY WILLIAMSWhat was it that caused the violent episodes that lead to my being beaten badly nearly every weekend of my seven years of married life?I believe that to a certain extent everyone is a product of his or her past. One of my earliest memories is that of my father and my mother arguing. My mother is a very quiet, long suffering woman. She bore my father ten healthy children, as far as I know, in absolute silence. I should know how silent it was because she had six of them in the room right next to our bedroom, and I can never remember hearing a sound. When there was an argument, it was always my father who made all the noise. My mother was always trying to keep him quiet. She would do anything to keep him from awakening the kids.On several occasions he slapped her around. We wouldn%u2019t have known it since she did not scream, except for the noise she made when he knocked her down or slapped her. It always hurt us a lot when he would hit her, and we would all try to make him stop. Often he would turn on us.One time he knocked me into the fireplace because we were all holding on to his arm to keep him from hitting her. We, on the other hand, were never allowed to fight. Mama would beat you herself if she caught you fighting or found out you had been fighting.At age 15, I fell head over heels in love with a first class heel. He was the most incredibly good looking, fast talking urbane man of the world my young eyes had ever seen. I firmly believe to this day I should be shot. He wanted only one thing and of course we all know what it was. AtShelley Williams Is a pseudonym for aSouth Brooklyn woman.that time to get pregnant and be unmarried at the same time was an invitation to a hanging. You were nothing in the eyes of everyone. From Elvis I expected love and support, but the man was gone as soon as I said, %u201c I think I%u2019m ...%u201dFrom my father I got a lot of abuse. My poor mother seemed to feel guilt, shame and an overwhelming sense of hurt. I let her down. My friends kept me at a distance. Nobody wanted to be associated with a bad girl, especially a bad, pregnant girl.CHILD GAVE LOVEI was lonely, but from my child I received love. I had someone to give love to and I needed this as much as I needed the love she gave to me. At 171 left home and came to New York City. There I met my husband. I was still living in a teenager%u2019s makebelieve world. I dreamt of Ending a man.I could tell everything to and we would live happily for ever and ever.My true confession session happened a week before we were married. Of course, this great, good wonderful humane person was so overcome by what I told him that he felt he just had to beat the hell out of me. Being me, I was scared half to death. Then he started to crv and apologize and ask forgiveness. Wnat do you do then, but say to yourself, %u2018%u2018Look Shelley, it%u2019s got to be your fault, because you told him your story, so of course you have to forgive him.%u201dMy whole impression of the following seven years was of pain and fear. Overwhelming enveloping pain and heartsopping, choking fear. Not only was there physical abuse, he would also repeat over and over things I had told him in the notion that honesty would lead to undying love. I got to the point where I couldn%u2019t bear to hear my lack of morals replayed over and over again. The physical abuse was nearly unendurable. The worst thing one humanbeing can do to another is kick him or her. Lying on the floor being kicked repeatedly is obscene and beyond description. I miscarried more than once from receiving those kicks. The most difficult part of being abused is having it happen in front of your kids.One of the reasons for staying in these%u201c I ran, but notfar enough or fastenough to get away %u2022%u2022%u2022I thought myhusband wouldprobably kill meand possibly mychildren.%u201dsituations is fear for your kids. Fear that if you run and can%u2019t run far enough or fast enough the man will come after you and it will be worse. I know, I ran, but not far enough or fast enough to get away. I hate to think that many women today know what I mean. Unfortunately, all too many women do.COURT: DIDN%u2019T WORK I knew I had to get away, because I hadcome to the conclusion that my husband would in the end kill me and possibly my children. Getting away was not easy. I went to Family Court many times and all they offered was a pat on my head or worse. %u201cYou%u2019re really wasting a great deal of my time and your problem isn%u2019t that bad. But if you insist we%u2019ll give you a warrant to serve on your husband and you%u2019ll both have to appear and we'll talk about it.%u201d Hurray for justice!Can you imagine what happens when you walk into the house, hand your husband a warrant and say, %u201c Dear, we have to be in court on Monday, nine o%u2019clock sharp.%u201d We spent the whole night fighting and then he wouldn%u2019t allow me to go to the hospital. When he finally fell asleep I sneaked away to the emergency room. There they wouldn%u2019t take care of me because I had no money and no insurance plan. So I lived in a haze of pain and frustration that never let up.I did get away and started a new life. It was a struggle, because there was nobody to help, nobody to talk to, nowhere to go. I was also worried what effect all that had on my kids.The kids were very quiet. I felt they were too quiet. Fear does that to anyone. If you%u2019re afraid to cry, afraid to play, afraid to touch anything and if your mother is unable to replace this fear with lots of love and tenderness, what does any child do?I now make a conscious effort to hug my children; I am trying hard to overcome this unfeeling and cold part of my nature. Sometimes it works rather well but there are lapses and I am afraid I%u2019ve caused my kids some measure of damage by seeming indifferent to them. Through all this I found out what a great family I really have and how close we all are. I love this and am not about to give it up or give up on it.Safe Homes Project Provides a Possible Solution in Park SlopeBY BONNIE GENEVICHDIANE ABBOTTMALIKA AHMEDUntil very recently, wife abuse has been one of the most highly institutionalized forms of violence in society. Supported by the sanctity of the marriage contract, the view of women as property has allowed for a variety of forms of brutality to be exercised against women.Only in the past few years have we begun to recognize the multiple factors affecting a woman%u2019s inability to leave a battering situation and to address these issues in order to make it possible for a woman to learn what her options are, and to get support and guidance in exercising those she chooses.It is estimated that over 1 million women in the United States are victims of beatings each year. About 141,000 such women are the victims of domestic violence in New York State alone. A 1971 report found that one-third of the women killed in California that year had been murdered by their husbands in domestic violence assaults. The FBI statistics for NYS in 1973 show that wife beating affects three times as many women as does rape.WIDE-SPREADViolence occurs in families of all races, religions, ethnic groups, ages and economic classes. What all these families hold in common is that a violent family is usually an isolated family, and an isolated wife. Feelings of shame, guilt, economic and emotional dependency and the belief that it is %u201c all her fyult%u201d are common in the battered woman.With the first beatings come bruises that she is embarrassed to show. She stays home until they heal and then makes up stories for her friends about why she has not been around. As the beatings become more frequent, and they do, she tends to go out less and less. She loses the friends she has ana the support thai iucy migm offer her. The responses to her situation from society and the legal system are confusing, inconsistent and inadequate.Her problem is often compounded by the lack of a safe place to stay to avoid another attack. This isolation feeds into thewoman%u2019s panic that she is truly alone with this problem.. Often when a woman has been beaten, she is incoherent, ashamed, confused and suffering from a sense of despair with her situation. For most women, guidance in helping them to realize their options and to present each with realistic alternatives can be reassuring and a source of new hope for the future.Most of the women who come to the ParkSlope Safe Homes Project for counseling and emergency shelter explore all avenues of possibilities with the counselors that will best suit their needs and expectations%u2014be it welfare, the courts, housing, job placement, etc.We first named it the %u201c Park Slope Safe Homes Project%u201d because we are trying to provide a system of %u201c safe homes%u201d in the community to which a battered woman and her children might be able to go for a threePlaces That Can H elp:A .W .A .I.C . (ABUSED W OM EN%u2019SA ID IN C R ISIS). Telephone:686-1676 (Hotline), 686-3628 (Office); Hours: 9 AM-5 PM, M-F;Services: Counseling, referrals, advocacy, shelter, information.BOROUGH CRISIS CENTERS:Brooklyn: Kings County Hospital;Phone: 630-4688; Hours: 24 hours,every day; Services: crisis intervention, referrals, hospitalization.BROOKLYN LEGAL SERVICES.Telephone: 85&6003 (office); Hours:9 AM-5 Pm, M-F; Services: emergency legal services for tatteredwomen; Booklet: Handbook forBeaten Women, in English andSpanish.H.R.A. (HUMAN RESOURCES ADMINISTRATION) BATTERED W OM E N %u2019S PROGRAM . Telephone:581-4911-12; Hours: 9 AM -5 PM,M-F; Services: Counseling, referrals, inform ation, shelter. (Form K a U a v O I a a H o f f r% r w i iwi yvi ivjr wu ivhwi w > w w wn %u00bbw>5 PM weekdays and throughout theweekend contact: EM ERG ENCYASSISTANCE UNIT (of Dept, of Soc.Services), 241 Church St., N.Y.C.Telephone: 344-5241).LEGAL R.l.T.E.S. CLINIC (CETATITLE VI). TELEPHONE: 780-5777(Women%u2019s Center of Bklyn. College); Hours: Day & evening;SERVICES: Free legal informationand referrals.PARK SLOPE SAFE HOMES PROJECT (for Park Slope, Brooklynwomen only). Telephone: 780-3361;Hours: 9 AM-5 PM, M-F; Services:counseling, emergency temporaryshelter in %u201cSafe Homes,%u201d referrals,advocacy, community education,crisis intervention.W O M AN TO W O M AN PEERCOUNSELING PROGRAM. Telephone: 780-5777 (Women%u2019s Centerof Brooklyn College); Hours: Day &evening; Services: Free individualcounseling.W O M EN %u2019S SURVIVAL SPACE(CENTER FOR THE ELIMINATIONOF VIOLENCE IN THE FAMILY).Telephone: 439-7281 (H otline),4/V* 4 D 4 A O A K A Ct%u201ct^vT*tV I %u00a3- %u25a0 mtmi w%u00ab w r k v i yPm, M-F (at night: calls); Services:Counseling, information, referrals,shelter, advocacy.day respite. As our program has developed, we have seen that many women will not need the %u201csafe home%u201d but will need the intense, short-term, crisis-intervention counseling. However, we have retained this name because we hope to help each woman make her own home safe, to help through outreach to make her neighbors%u2019 homes safe, and to help through community education to make each house in the neighborhood a %u201c safe home.%u201dThe Park Slope Safe Homes Project is a community-based, local effort to coordinate the existing formal and informal supports to provide interim, emergency and/or short term services to battered women, their children and abusing partners living in Park Slope, a community of approximately 85,000 persons. This includes developing the use of trained volunteer community residents to staff a hotline; provide counseling on options; advocacy within the social service, legal and welfare systems; and on-going community education.Emergency (i.e. three-day) shelter for battered women and their children is available in trained, volunteer, community %u201c safe hom es.%u201d Extensive referrals to contacts within the health, law enforcement, legal, court and social services are made. Through these referrals and followups, services that exist borough and city-wide are monitored to insure that assistance is provided.The Park Slope Safe Homes Project, initiated two years ago, is co-sponsored by Children and Youth Development Services (CYDS) and Park Slope Clergy Association. It is the only community-based model of service delivery that is known to exist within New York State.The dozens of volunteers within Park Slope working on the Safe Homes Project are committed to the provision of needed services to battered women, their children and battering mates. Further, those of us who currently work in the Safe Homes Project have made a commitment to go to any neighborhood and offer free technical Qdvice to any person or group who wishes to set up a community response to the needs of battered women and their children such as we haveAugust 10,1978, THE PHOENIX, Page 7.%u25a0 %u201c V ,\\ . .%u2022V.v.%u2019.W .