Page 43 - The Art of Learning by Josh Waitzkin_Neat plip book

Danny loses, she wants to tell hi m it doesn’t matter. But obv ious ly it do es
matter. He lost and is sad. To tell him it do esn’t matter is almost to ins ul t hi s

intelligence. W hat should she do?
This real-life dynamic has parallels in virtual ly every fi d, altho ugh we are
often our own parent in the moment. How can we balance long- term pr ocess
with short-term goals and inevitable setbacks ? Let ’s dive in. Danny is an

intelligent boy who has decided to dedicate hi mself for the time be ing to che ss.
He loves the challenge of facing off with other young minds and stretchi ng
himself to think a little further and more accurately than he coul d the da y
before. There is nothing like a worthy oppo nen t to sho w us our weakne sses and

push us to our limit. It is good for Danny to compet e, but it is essent ial tha t he
do so in a healthy manner.
First of all, in the spirit of the previous chapter, Danny ’s mom can he lp hi m
internalize a process-first approach by making her everyday feedback respo nd to

effort over results. She should praise go od concent ration, a good day’s work, a
lesson learned. When he wins a tour nam ent game, the spo tlight sho ul d be on
the road to that moment and beyond as oppo sed to the gl ory. On the othe r
hand, it is okay for a child (or an adult for that matter) to enj oy a win. A parent

shouldn’t be an automaton, denying the obv ious emotional moment to spo ut
platitudes about the long-term learni ng pr ocess when her child is jum pi ng up
and down with excitement. When we have worked har d and suc ceed at
something, we should be allowed to smell the roses. The key, in my opi ni on, is

to recognize that the beauty of those roses lies in thei r transience. It is dr ifting
away even as we inhale. We enjoy the win fully whi le taking a de ep br eath,
then we exhale, n ote the lesson learned , an d m ove on t o the n ext advent ur e.
When Danny loses, the stakes will feel a bi t higher. Now he comes out of

the tournament room a little teary. He put hi s hear t on the line and lost. How
should his mom handle this moment? First of all, she sho ul dn’t say tha t it
doesn’t matter, because Danny kno ws bet ter than that and lying abo ut the
situation isolates Danny in his pain. If it di dn’t matter, then why sho ul d he try

to win? Why should he study chess and waste thei r weeken ds at tour na ment s?
It matters and Danny knows that. So empat hy is a good pl ace to start.
I think this mother should give her son a hug. If he is crying, let hi m cry on
her shoulder. She should tell him how proud of him she is. She can tell Danny

that it is okay to be sad, that she under stands and that she loves hi m.
Disappointment is a part of the road to greatnes s. When a few moment s pa ss,