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Beagle would have gone
wild with delight and
shaken it to death right
there on the platform.
Fortunately, Beagles
As tlie train prills out, I asked him pre- are not an option when
cisely which aspect of E.M. lie worild Ambos are addressing
be addressing for tlie improvement the after-dinner crowd
of liis public's edification, insight and on Matters of Internatio-
compreliension. The reply was non- nal Importance. The rain
committal. I was made to understand turned to hailstones.
tliat lie would be giving tlie matter
liis most profound coi'isideration Indifferent to the fact
tlirougl'iout tlie trip. I therefore stop- tliat all the Society l t 0+ % -
ped talking and confined myself to lis- members were already
tening to our fellow travellers ringing seated in tlie restaurant
every one of their respective friends awaiting tlie arrival of tlieir after-din- A musical interlude followed during
and relatives to reassure tliem that nerspeakerwliilstdrinl6ngtliemselves wl'iicl'i everyone was encoriraged to liit
they were, indeed, on tl'ie train. to a stupor trying to keep warm, we their wine glass witl'i a fork until an
reqriested a five minute stop at our ho- unruly silence was acliieved and the
H.E. fell asleep. tel to leave tlie luggage and freshen up. Chairman staggered to liis feet to in-
troduce The Ainbassador WIIO was to
After a couple of liorirs, worried about For "freshen up" read: 'Iot down address us upon Matters of Universal
tlie possibility of a liired restaurant speaking points." Interest and Impoitance.
full of diners living orit tlie rest of tlieir
lives in European Ignorance, I gave Wliilst we were thus employed, our Except tliat the An'ibassador in qries-
him a gentle midge. He lialf opened octogenarian Davy Crocket decided tion was nowhere to be seen, since
one eye, swore gently in two languages to turn tl'ie car around in tlie limited the upper lialf of his torso had di-
and assured me tliat he corild wing it. space of the hotel forecourt wliilst sappeared rinder the table wliilst he
I went back to glaring at my fellow waiting for us to re-emerge, painted searclied in vain for (a) his table nap-
passengers in three languages as tliey and coiffed and, more especially, bea- l<in and (b) liis speaking notes, botli of
continued to regale tlie carriage witli ring indeciplierable squiggles on the wliich had by then been reduced to a
tlieir tales of woe or joy, or just tlieir back of an old envelope. When we did pulp by liis neighbours' wet shoes.
latest recipes for qriick and inexpen- just tliat, 6.5 minutes later, we found
sive suppers. liim standing out in tlie sleet lool6ng Some Speakers' wives manage to buy
shamefaced. It l'iad taken him a mere themselves whole apaitment blocks,
Upon arrival, we were met at tlie sta- 3 minutes to rip the back bumper off of course, oi'i the proceeds of tlieir
tion by the President of the Society the car whilst backing into an attrac- husband's lecture torirs. I don't 1<now
in Question, a perfectly cliarming tive liydrangea bush and a not-so-at- wliere I go wrong, really.
gentleman in his mid-eiglities. A for- tractive immovable concrete pillar
mer Ambassador. We recognised liim and a record 3.5 minutes to stuff tlie Even tlie hotel freebies were rubbisli.
immediately becarise, as promised, entire offending article into the boot. I went arorind smelling like a tart's
lie was wearing an electric blue E.U. We were politely requested to pretend parlour after using tlie sliower gel that
baseball cap. The summer version, we had seen nothing unusual. night and H.E.'s hair was standing on
witli tlie see-tlirougli fisli-net crown. end for two days after he had ill-ad-
Tlie rain was coming down in slieets. A very jolly crowd was awaiting orir visedly washed it with their organic
At some stage in his diplomatic ca- arrival inside tl'ie restaurant. Most shampoo. Or perhaps tliat was just tlie
reer, liowever, he must have been pos- mellow. We were slotted into our res- effect of liaving to answer half an horir
ted to Moscow, for as 80011 as we had pective places at table and plied witli of decidedly incol'ierent qriestions at
idei'itified each other, lie qriite under- vast quantities of alcoliol: it seemed tlie end of a decidedly awful meal.
5tandably exclianged this for a we liad a lot of catcliing rip to do.
Siberian wolf Davy Crocket number, Food duly arrived and was duly des- One ceitainly sings for one's supper
tliougli without, fortunately, the tail. patclied at everyone's leisure. whilst eating for one's corintty.

Ambassadress 4 9 a