Page 50 - Dr Pamela Peeke

Crossing out the Ex

By Rachel L. Karp

I have never considered myself an all out feminist, but I am a strong ended or is falling apart, a woman has to think of what will benefit
advocate for women’s rights. I believe that women should be her in the future, not what will benefit her partner. Will she be happy
treated the same as men and deserve the same wages, the same with this man in marriage? Will this man make a good father?
work benefits, and the same admiration. I also believe that women Does this man share the same goals as she does? These are the
should be respected, not only by their peers, but by themselves as thoughts a woman needs to think before returning to a relationship
well. with an ex. If she dwells on the problems and needs of her partner
So, when I see a woman degrading herself by continuously re- and sacrifices her own, she will lead a life of misery and regret.
turning into the arms of a man who has emotionally or physically Completely opposite to the above situation, a further reason why
abused her, my invisible furnace of rage starts to overheat. women get back with their exes is because they feel sorry for
Getting back together with an ex is not always a bad thing. Some- themselves. Sometimes they do not want to put forth the effort to
times couples break up over a misunderstanding. start over with a new relationship. Other times
If they apologize to each other and get back to- they feel no one will love and care about them
gether, perhaps they can work things out and live besides their ex.
happily ever after. However, if a couple breaks up Both of these concepts are terrible ways of
numerous times and still finds themselves crawl- thinking. If a woman doesn’t want to spend time
ing back to each other, they need to rethink their building a new relationship, then she should take
relationship. a break from the world of dating. She shouldn’t
There are hundreds of reasons why women get stay with her ex to avoid mapping out new
back with their exes. Some of them are legiti- relationships. As for thinking that they will not
mate, but most of the time they are just poorly be loved by anyone but their ex – they have to
formulated excuses. One of the main reasons realize that there are many more people out in
women return to their exes is that they feel that the world who will love them just as much, if not
they can “fix” their partner. I hate to be the bearer more than their ex.
of bad news, but this never works. No matter Sometimes men will tell their girlfriends or wives
how hard she tries, a woman cannot change her (who plan on leaving them) that they will never
50 ex. Once adults make up their minds about how be loved again because they are angry, sad, or
jealous. In this situation, the woman must tune
they want to live their lives, they (normally) do not
change; not even for people they love. out what her (potential) ex is saying. They must
It grieves me to hear women say “when we get married, he will be then tell themselves that if they are willing to put forth love into a
different,” or “If I can just have some more time, I can change him.” new relationship, most likely love will be returned to them.
First of all, getting married changes nothing but financial dependen- One of the last main reasons women return to life with their exes is
cy and living arrangements. It’s not like stepping through a magical the need for financial security. Maybe breaking up with their partner
portal where all of a sudden everything in a relationship is hunky means leaving behind a world of substantial income and a decent
dory. Couples must work hard to ensure that their marriages last. place to live. Women who do not make a lot of money may find
They must come to compromises, work together as a team, and it hard to live on their own, so getting back with an ex in order to
in many cases, see the other’s point of view. Happiness does not make ends meet sometimes sounds like a decent trade off.
automatically spring into life once a couple is joined in holy matri- Women who are going through this sort of situation need to know
mony; arguments will still be abundant, annoying habits will still be that money won’t make them happy. It may make life easier for her,
present, and vindictive attitudes will still be floating around in the air. but in the long run it may destroy her personal well being by staying
In order to minimize these problems (they occur in almost every with someone she does not enjoy being around.
marriage), a couple has to be willing to try and get rid of them. This I know a woman who was with a man for two years. She said she
means they can’t just hope for them to go away. Wishing and hop- loved him and cared about him above all else. Yet, during that
ing never helped the Chargers last year when they lost their ride period, they got into numerous fights; breaking up and getting back
to the Super Bowl and these same tactics will not aid a woman in together about five times. Even now, after she said she was leav-
bettering her relationship. ing him forever, the woman still finds the compulsion to get back
Now, about the “In time, I can change him” statement: it should be together with her ex.
changed to “In time, he can change him.” Only a man can change It upsets me to see this woman who is so smart, beautiful, and kind,
himself. And he has to want to change. He won’t just do it because return to a man who has given her nothing but heartache for the
his girlfriend or wife would like him to. In fact, that would prob- past year. Whether she clings to him because she is lonely, thinks
ably want to make him change less. In the book, Men are From she can change him, or is scared to move on, is a mystery. All I can
Mars, Women are From Venus, Dr. John Gray mentions that when see is that she is in the same destructive rut of not leaving her ex
pressured to change, men recoil from women because they feel for good and doesn’t even realize that she is hurting herself.
incompetent. This creates a very negative effect between husband There are millions of other women in similar predicaments out in the
and wife or boyfriend and girlfriend. world today who are attached to their exes for reasons they cannot
In order to truly love someone, a person has to like the way their see for themselves. What needs to be done in order to break this
partner is in the present, not how they could be in the future. If a chain of restraintive events is a female realization: Women around
woman says she loves a man for who he is but still wants to change the world need to appreciate themselves for what they are , not
him, she doesn’t have her feelings straight. what they are shaped into being by past partners and flings. They
Another reason why women often return to their exes is because need to know that they can overcome heartache and move on; usu-
they feel sorry for them. To be frank, in a relationship that has ally to happier, more promising horizons.
Issue 2, 2009