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3. Describe the expectations that exist in your relationship, are they :-

a) Free from unrealistic expectations or the expectations are realistic based on what we both know we can contribute to the relationship
b) Contains some or a lot of unrealistic expectations, these may be known or believed by either party as a result of poor communication.

It is now known that worldwide, the three big relationship killers (and this would apply to ANY relationship), are :-

1. Communication. A lack of it, poor quality of it or non-existence of it.
2. Neediness. Excessive, often manipulative levels of need.
3. Expectations. Poor communication often leads to one or other of the relationship partners having unrealistic expectations. When dashed, rather than
accept they were unrealistic, resentments fester within the relationship.

Whatever the relationship, if negative aspects of one or more of the three exist in your relationship, take steps to confront and eliminate them.
Act on your feelings

If the beliefs on which your feelings are based do seem to make sense, then you may want to turn to your feelings as a guide to dealing with situations and
people in all or some of your human relationships. For instance, if you find out that your frequent night-time anxiety attacks are caused by a profound hatred
of your job, then you might want to think about changing your employment.

Similarly, if you feel something very strongly towards another person, and are clear that there is a sound basis for feeling this way, then you may want to tell
him or her what you are experiencing. This, of course, is never easy, but there are ways in which you can ensure that the process is as productive and conflict-
free as possible

How to tell people what you feel about them

• Always try to express your feelings in terms of how you feel, rather than in terms of what you think the other person has done wrong. This reduces the
extent to which the other person feels that they are being "told off" and is less likely to evoke a defensive response.
• Always remember that how you felt about the way in which someone behaved might be very different from the intention behind their behaviour. Most
of the time when we feel hurt or angered by someone, they were not intending to make us feel bad.
• Try not to see the sharing of feelings as a battle, in which one person is right and the other wrong, but as a dialogue in which you are attempting to
overcome the miscommunications and misunderstandings that have occurred.

Remember that sometimes you'll be more capable of talking about your feelings than the person you are talking to. Men often assume women are better at
expressing their feelings, but women can get blaming and defensive too, and sometimes you will need to be the one who keeps the dialogue on a non-combative Page328
footing.