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JULY 12, 2018 BREAKING NEWS
NATO spokesperson Britt Thomsen announced this morning that its members unanimously voted to demand that the United States reduce its military budget to 1% of GDP from its current 3.3%. The vote was held while President Trump took a potty break. His entourage, General John F. Kelly and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, were present at the vote. General Kelly was observed nodding approvingly.
When asked why NATO members made such a bold move, Thomsen broke NATO Summit protocol and responded, “Let me be clear. I will say this only once, or a thousand times if necessary. If President Trump can dictate what NATO member countries spend on their militaries, NATO members can play the same game. After all, it’s 28 countries against one. Besides, we don’t need more tanks, planes and bombs. We live in an age of cyber warfare. Any dumb-dumb knows that.”
When asked if there was a deadline on the demand, Thomsen responded, “You betcha. The United States has 30 days to wind down its defense operation. NATO agents will be spying on every U.S. military facility to monitor progress. Trust me, no team of agents in the world is more experienced than NATO’s. As your president would say, ‘they’re a class act.’”
When asked what happens if President Trump refuses to comply, Thomsen answered, “We’ll shut down U.S. military facilities in NATO countries, starting with 179 Army bases in Germany. The 40,000 troops are free to stay, but their bases will be closed until NATO agents certify