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JANUARY 26, 2019 BREAKING NEWS
At an impromptu meeting with Senate Republicans today, President Trump reportedly railed over the amount of disaster aid the federal government has sent to Puerto Rico. According to an anonymous White House source who surreptitiously recorded the meeting, the president was livid over the fact that Texas and South Carolina, home to his core voters, received only $30.5 billion in aid (COMBINED!) while Puerto Rico received $91 billion.
“Now that I have been completely and totally vindicated by Witch- Hunter Mueller, we have to deal with this disaster relief business, which is sucking billions from my wall. Hurricane Mary was not that powerful, and Puerto Rico’s not even a state. When I went there, I tossed out
free paper towels. What more do they want? Well, the answer is a blank check and I’m here to tell you they are not going to get it, got that Mitch?” the president railed.
His head bowed as in prayer, Senator Majority Leader Mitch McConnell appeared not to hear the president’s directive.
“Like I was saying, Puerto Rico is a disaster for other reasons. If those people voted for me, we wouldn’t be in this mess, right, Mitch?”
“Ahem, Mr. President, Puerto Rico is a U.S. Territory. Its people are U.S. citizens but they are not allowed to vote in our presidential elections,” Senator McConnell whispered.
“They get a free ride from the U.S. government and they don’t even vote