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October 4, 2020 BREAKING NEWS
At a press conference this morning, White House chief of staff Mark Meadows announced that the president had agreed to participate in coronavirus drug testing after learning of his positive test result last Wednesday. “The president was on top of this pandemic from day one. Now he has the opportunity to show his true genius. It’s a beautiful thing,” Meadows reported.
Meadows proceeded to outline the president’s course of testing that will span 30 days, ending on Election Day. Each day, three biotech contestants will enter the president’s room in hazmat suits and make a five-minute pitch for their drug. The president will be the sole judge and choose that day’s winner. This morning, the president watched presentations from CytoDyn, Roche and Takeda Pharmaceutical.
He will choose the winning contestant and receive its treatment later today. The same procedure will be followed for the remaining shows in the series.
A staff person close to the president disclosed that his treatment selection is based on two key criteria: showmanship and the company’s stock performance. The president is the ultimate
showman so it is no surprise that entertainment value ranks high on his rating list. The president also believes that he has the ability to move markets, which could outweigh showmanship in this situation. 2020 YTD corporate stock values vary considerably. On the year, Roche is down 1.3%, Takeda is down 10% and CytoDyn soared 213%.