Page 18 - DURHAM CITIZEN - JUNE 21ST 2021 - EDITION_Neat

18 DurhamCitizen.ca June 21, 2021

For many of us, the COVID-19 pandemic makes for a very uncertain future. People worry about their own health and the health of their loved ones
as well as concerns around school or work, their finances, their ability to take part in important community and social events and hobbies. SATIRE
With that in mind, we’ve decided to add a little satire to relieve some of the daily stress felt by all. Enjoy!

STUDY FINDS AMERICAN

WOMEN DELAYING

MOTHERHOOD

BECAUSE THE WHOLE

Air Force One delayed THING SUCKS

after President Joe Biden

slips into plane’s engine ANN ARBOR, MI - Having determined through Most women,
empirical research that childrearing is bullsh#t
it turns out, just don’t
want to deal with that sh#t.
and totally not worth it, a study published Friday
by sociologists at the University of Michigan According to the data, medical bills for
found that a growing number of American pregnancy and childbirth alone run Americans
women are delaying motherhood because the at least five figures, and then of course they’re
WASHINGTON - Calling the incident a minor hiccup and saying whole thing blows. lucky if their income covers day-care costs.
the European trip would continue as planned, the White House
“Our research indicates that women have put off While it is often argued that having a child is a
was reportedly forced to delay a press flight Wednesday after
having children until much later in life due to rewarding experience that women should look
President Joe Biden got into the plane’s engine. “As soon as we
the fact that it’s completely exhausting, forward to, the reality is that a couple of decades
remove the president from the turbine, we should be able to
prohibitively expensive, and almost everything will go by before a mother ever again gets to do
proceed as scheduled,” White House press secretary Jen Psaki told
about it frigging sucks,” said study co-author any of the things she actually likes to do, and by
reporters, adding that an auxiliary power unit had been rendered
Lorraine Moens, explaining that the moment a then she’s too old and tired to care anymore,
inoperable after the commander-in-chief crawled into a turbine
woman becomes pregnant, unfamiliar hormones having completely forgotten the person she used
looking for a snack he dropped. “Unfortunately, the president got
begin to hijack her body; then giving birth is to be.
pretty well wedged in there, so rescue crews have spent a few hours
absolute hell; and once the baby is born, the As a result, we found an increasing number of
already trying to get him out. He got pretty startled, naturally, and
mother barely sleeps for months. U.S. women are simply choosing to say ‘Effing
crawled further in. Fortunately we’ve coaxed him closer to leaving
“Even after children are old enough to take care problem!’ when asked about starting a family.”
the engine, and once we repair the wires he chewed, the diplomatic
of their basic bodily functions, our study found a Moens added that postponing motherhood too
trip should hopefully continue without incident.” At press time,
parent still spends half her day either driving long could result in a woman living a happy,
the flight had been delayed again on the runway after the president
them somewhere, buying them stuff, or arguing fulfilled life free of stress.
had somehow gotten back into the engine.
with them about some unbelievably stupid,
boring crap. - The Onion
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ARIES: (Born between 21st March & 20th April) LIBRA: (Born between 23rd September & 22nd October)
Avoid any impulsive decisions, especially if they are connected to You may either need to change plans with a future matter already
freeing yourself up in some way. There can be difficulty in getting the planned or you could discover something isn’t taking the path you
facts straight, caused by a lack of information. This may be not so intended. There is no need to rush change but rather be determined
much about what you want to do but what you are allowed to do, to take that direction. You could be surprised to find a particular
based on a situation you find yourself having to deal with. person has similar values and this will be refreshing.
TAURUS: (Born between 21st April & 20th May) SCORPIO: (Born between 23rd October & 21st November)
You can be quite inventive when it comes to dealing with certain There could be difficulty with a person not accepting your authority in
obligations. This could also relate to any person in an authoritative some way. You may not have seen this coming, which could surprise
position that you might need to deal with. Don’t be too bold on the you. You cannot let this put you off from working on stable
money side of things though. This is no time to take any risks, as there foundations you intend to put in place. Don’t allow their behaviour to
are too many facets that are not clear. Just have patience. encourage you to take risks. Plod along in your own way.
GEMINI: (Born between 21st May & 20th June) SAGITTARIUS: (Born between 22nd November & 21st December)
You will be rather edgy and this could encourage you to say things Someone else could be all over the place, making it difficult for you to
that are not wise, which you might regret. You could also discover that know where things will head in the future. You need to make up your
something hasn’t been dealt with, as it should have been in the past. own mind, especially with any situations you have put time into
It is more about correcting it than anything else. It could eventually getting the details right. Be careful that you don’t get left with more
produce greater long-term stability in a surprising way. work than is fair. They might want you to feel sorry for them.
CANCER: (Born between 21st June & 22nd July) CAPRICORN: (Born between 22nd December & 19th January)
Suspecting that information is being held back from you could be Don’t waste time in attempting to work out the true intentions of
quite correct but you should not focus too much on it. It is far better somebody else or what they are expecting from you. You could be
to concentrate on what you have control of, mainly because you can quite right when it comes to what you think is the truth but
keep this well balanced, which will produce a sense of harmony. attempting to get an open response is probably impossible. You will
Someone, who is reliable, will emerge at the right time. enjoy coping with what is necessary, even streamlining things.
LEO: (Born between 23rd July & 22nd August) AQUARIUS: (Born between 20th January & 18th February)
There can be difficulty in getting things to go your way, which could Taking risks can cause you more trouble than what it is worth. The
be linked to a lack of proper information. You could be attempting to slow and steady approach will allow you to put alternative things into
push matters too quickly. Other people are in a strong and stable place or alter the manner in which matters have been structured for a
position as well as quite prepared to use any authority they might long period of time. Avoid being stirred up by other people who may
have. Those who think they have authority could be a problem. do their best to generate tension or aggravation.
VIRGO: (Born between 23rd August & 22nd September) PISCES: (Born between 19th February & 20th March)
You have the opportunity to deal with something in a more confident There could be little choice but to get on with something that you
manner than would normally be the case. If there are certain have left floating for too long. There is a lot you can accomplish but it
obligations you don’t want to take on, don’t be afraid to refuse. There will be made more difficult if you focus more on what you would
will eventually be a favourable outcome with anything that you have rather not do as opposed to what you actually need to do. You will
put work and effort into. You don’t have to meet demands. gain a great sense of pleasure once the job has been done.