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Bill de Blasio said “the New understanding” City York coronavirus the that was could last on a surface for only a few minutes. THAT’S WHAT THE GAL GADOT VIDEO WAS LACKING Right-wing conspiracy theo- rist Liz Crokin posted a video in which she claimed celebri- ties like Tom Hanks and Idris contracted have may Elba a drinking from COVID-19 pituitary- of batch tainted gland extracts from tortured the that drug “a children, elite

A BENEFIT SINGLE TO RAISE AWARENESS FOR GAL GADOT AND FRIENDS Gadot posted a video of herself along with James Marsden, Natalie Portman, Will Ferrell, and other celebrities singing John Lennon’s “Imagine” from their homes. It was worse than we’d imagined.

EVEMENT ASIDE FROM BUMPING INTO JEANINE PIRRO Asked if Brazil should expect levels of pandemic similar to those seen in the United States, President Jair Bolsonaro answered, “I don’t think it will reach that point, especially because Brazilians have to be studied. They don’t get any- thing. You see the guy jumping into the sewer there . . . right? And nothing happens to him.” ARDS

A STATEMENT THAT GOT OUT INTO THE PUBLIC, IN THIS INFORMATION AGE THAT WE LIVE IN Days after the firing of Captain Brett Crozier, Acting Navy Sec- retary Thomas Modly spoke to Crozier’s crew on the USS Theodore Roosevelt, saying, “If he didn’t think that informa- tion was going to get out into the public, in this information age that we live in, then he was, A, too naive, or too stu- pid to be the commanding officer of a ship like

at guest founder W
In a White House press briefing, Jared
Kushner said the coronavirus outbreak
WHO LEFT THE JOB OF OSTRACIZING THIS GUY HALF DONE? anonymous An Twinks4Trump Lucian Wintrich’s Corona Pot- luck party said: “We have com- pletely handed over our civil liberties . . . and anyone who wants to go out and live a nor- A mal life is semi-ostracized.” WE’LL HAVE TO HAVE IRONY’S RETIREMENT PARTY ON ZOOM is revealing some state governors’ about who will be a competent man- A
flawed management skills. “What a lot
of the voters are seeing now is that
when you elect somebody . . . think

Trump stood to his left.
THREE DAYS OF PEACE AND MUCUS evangelist Pennsylvania Shuttlesworth Jonathan announced that he would be distancing social ignoring and holding a massive Eas- ter celebration. “We’re gonna hold an outdoor Easter blow- online. Not service. national gathering. You come from all over, like Woodstock, and we’re gonna gather and lift up Jesus Christ.” The end- less war between Christ and Darwin rages on. ager during the time of crisis.” Donald

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CONTRIBUTORS: DAVE HOLMES, BEN BOSKOVICH