Page 19 - How Changing Your Anger Can Help You Be a Better Parent book

Angry Behavior is “need” Driven

Most behavior is need driven and angry behavior may specifically be connected to certain needs
that can be emotionally dysregulating.

In the heat of an angry moment, if you are able to assess and meet the needs of your child, either
emotionally or relationally, you can change his or her behavior.

When dealing with your child’s challenging behaviors, you are able to use self-regulation tools to
stay calm, you can consider what your child really needs that may be causing them to behave the
way they are.

Is your child's disrespectful language a bid for attention from you or others? Is he or she showing
off to get praise?

Is your child testing your limits or trying to work through something stressful?

Trying to figure out what your child needs in the heat of an angry moment can sometimes be
challenging.

For instance, is your child whining and clinging because they are tired or because they are
hungry?

Why can't your child go to sleep? Is he or she afraid of the dark, or do they just need a hug or a
short story to help them relax?

When your child is acting out or otherwise misbehaving, you can combine tools of tolerance,
empathy and compassion to be able to have clear-thinking to assess what your child may need
in the moment.

Many times, your child's challenging behaviors may be due to fear and anxiety and the inability to
self-regulate from the stress during that moment.

By remaining calm and assessing what your child needs, once you get through this challenging
emotional experience you will feel much closer to your child.
Meet the need, change the behavior.

Once you assess what your child’s needs, then you will need ways to be able to meet the needs.
Many times, parents get angry in situations when their children are misbehaving due to the fact
that they don’t know how to meet their needs at the moment.
Without specific, intentional ways of meeting your needs and your child’s needs in the heat of their
angry moment can leave you feeling helpless and frustrated.

To try to get a quicker understanding of what your child may need when they first become
emotionally dysregulated, here is a checklist of things your child may need.

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