Page 42 - How Changing Your Anger Can Help You Be a Better Parent book

Three Styles of Conflict Resolution

When you are in the middle of any emotional or relational conflict how do you usually respond?

The way you respond in a highly emotional situation - like when you get angry with your child -
can affect your health, your well-being and your relationships with those around you.

You probably are responding in a way that’s hopeful, leading to a positive outcome for you. Yet,
your emotional and behavioral response when you’re angry may be more about your needs at the
moment, rather than a positive outcome.

Research indicates that you learned to respond to conflict based on how you’ve experienced
conflict in the past, especially as a child.

But is your learned habitual conflict response a healthy one? Are you responding during conflict
in ways that will help you personally as well as improve your relationship with the others involved
in the conflict?

It seems that most people do not respond in healthy ways during an emotional charge while in a
conflict.

There are three ways of handling a conflict and only one of them is healthy.

The three main styles of conflict resolution are attacking, avoiding, and addressing. Let’s call them
the AAA of conflict response.

When you get angry with your child, based on your previous experiences and your prior
relationships, you probably fall mostly into one of these three styles. If your current response it’s
not a healthy one, you can be intentional and purposeful in changing your style.

The next time you get angry with your child, consider which of these styles of conflict resolution
you may be using.

If your style of conflict resolution is more aggressive, then you probably use your emotional energy
when you’re angry to attack, threaten, harass or intimidate.
If your style of conflict resolution is more passive, then you probably tend to avoid distractions,
disengage, maybe become cold and distant when angry.

You can learn to be more assertive when you get angry with your child, or anyone else. By
addressing, rather than attacking or avoiding, you can discuss and negotiate; attempt to
appreciate your child’s perspectives, needs, feelings and be more respectful and compromising.
Much of the research around these three major styles of conflict resolution focuses on parenting.
When you use assertive communication that addresses your child’s anger in a healthy way, you
will be building your child’s self-esteem and he/she will be more likely to show high levels of social
competence when interacting with their peers.

38