Page 37 - How Changing Your Anger Can Help You Be a Better Parent book

Parent anger connected to parent shame

If you feel any shame as a parent, that could be an underlying cause of much of your parenting
anger.

Maybe the shame is coming from self-criticism at times when you feel frustrated as a parent and
may have little parenting knowledge or parenting tools to use in certain situations.

Maybe the shame is coming from others, either family or friends - or even strangers - who may
judge you as a parent and cause you to question yourself while parenting.

Your angry reaction may be the result of any shame you feel in your parenting ability.

If that's the case, the best way to change your anger is to counter your messages of shame.

Your shameful thoughts can be changed. You can change the story that you’re telling yourself,
and the automatic shaming thoughts that come quickly to you when you’re in the heat of a
challenging parenting moment.

In fact, you can change and reframe your negative thoughts into more positive ones showing self-
compassion and self-encouragement.

You can form positive mantras - short phrases you can recall and recite to yourself mentally -
when you’re feeling less confident to meet the needs of your child in a challenging situation.

Rather than exacerbate your feeling of being a less than effective or inadequate parent, you can
change your focus to self-coaching, rather than self-criticism.

You may also have the challenge of being judged by others around you. Many times, people -
especially the ones close to you - actually believe that shaming you will encourage you to change
parenting behavior that they may not see as acceptable or effective.

When you constantly have to hear about your child’s behavior from other family members,
teachers, and others, it may make you question how effective you are in responding to your child
in any given situation.
Sometimes the people closest to you, including family members, may be the most shaming.
Hearing comments like, ‘You’re too easy on him’ or ‘You need to give her more structure,’ may
come from a heartfelt and helpful intention. But may end up making you feel ashamed instead.

Sometimes you may even hear the stomach wrenching comment, ‘He doesn’t act that way when
he’s with me.’
Even strangers may try to shame you as a parent. When you’re at the supermarket or somewhere
else out in public and your child misbehaves or is disrespectful. It can be frustrating and even
humiliating to have to parent while others are watching.

By feeling vulnerable in that situation, it may turn into shame messages for you.

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