Page 32 - How Changing Your Anger Can Help You Be a Better Parent book

Amazingly, you can fake being calm

Getting yourself calm and remaining calm is a crucial first step to changing your anger to help you
be a smarter parent.

It's very difficult for an upset parent to calm down an upset child. It’s vital that you have tools to
help get yourself in a calmer place in your brain and your body to be able to effectively meet the
needs of your dysregulated child.

You can fake it, until you make it.

In the heat of an angry moment, even if you are not completely calm on the inside, you can fake
being calm on the outside. You can actually show calm behavior even though you are working to
try to get calm overall.

You can be highly aware of your nonverbal communication to your child when you are angry.
What does your angry face look like? Do you have an angry posture or other change in
presentation when you get angry with your child?

You can be very intentional about trying to keep your body relaxed and your facial features neutral,
even though you may be flooded with emotions on the inside.

Slow, intentional deep breathing will activate the calming part of your central nervous system,
which will then help you to be able to relax your muscles - affecting what your child is seeing when
you become angry.

You can move more slowly, talking a bit slower and quieter, or finding other ways to be intentional
about slowing down your physical presence in an angry moment with your child.

As you begin to act calm, and try to present calming behaviors, you will actually start to feel
calmer!
Your brain and body initially faking calm behaviors will actually have a calming effect on you.

Here are some behaviors of being calm:
● Speak in a calm, slow paced confident voice. Even speaking monotone is better than yelling
or speaking in a high, out of control voice.

● Use eye contact to show you are confident and in charge.
● Avoid pleading, whining, or begging children to behave. This may increase your child’s
emotional dysregulation.

● Use shoulder shrugging to project an "oh well" attitude, rather than getting into a power
struggle.

● Use the broken record technique - patiently repeating your expectation over and over -
regardless of any arguments by your child.

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