Page 10 - 2023 Connect Vol 24 Issue 6

From the Wellbeing Team
Threats and rewards - or something better?
ISSUE 4 | TERM 2 | 2023
“If you don’t pack away your toys right now, I’m throwing them in the bin!”
It’s the end of the day. We’re tired, or stressed, and we’ve asked our kids a hundred times already to start packing
Consent Conversations with Kids
up. Even though we might know that there is a better way, we can’t stop ourselves, and a threat slips out.
Understanding consent as a concept is essential to everyday life and relationships for people of all ages -
The thing is, it seems to work! Suddenly the kids are packing up their toys, fearful that if they stay out they’ll be
and it often has nothing to do with sexual intimacy. Consent exists in every interpersonal context, like in the
relocated to the bin. In fact, research shows that threats, verbal reprimands, and time-outs are all effective ways of
playground as kids learn to negotiate mutually enjoyable games to play, respecting others’ boundaries or
securing immediate compliance in our children. Which would be great - if our only goal was immediate compliance.
managing disappointment when someone says no.
The problem is that this compliance is coerced, and if we’re not there to enforce the consequences we lose our
ability tConinsflenuteendcuecbateiohnaveinocuoru. rOaugerskicdhsildarenmtortheinfokcaubsoeudt wonhatvmoiadkiensgftohrerepsupnecistfhuml aetntitutdheasnaonndibneteharnviaoluisr.inWgewhat
we’re trying to teach them!
can - and need to - create a positive consent culture where children and young people immediately think to ask: “Is everyone safe? Is this a safe space for others? Do I feel safe?”
So if threats aren’t the ticket to getting our children to do something, rewards must be the right alternative, right?
The topic of teaching consent to children sometimes raises concerns. Parents want to know when it is
“If you pack away your toys right now, you can have ice cream!” might be what we say. But we might as well say “If
appropriate. Age-appropriate consent education often has little to do with ‘sex’, especially for younger kids. It’s
you don’t pack away your toys, you can’t have ice cream”. Rewards are just threats in disguise. If our kids are still relyingaocntuuasllytotegaicvheintghefumndiacme cernetalmdeocrisaiogno-lmdasktianrgosrkitlhlsetihraptowcikllestemrvoenteheyminweexlcl hinatnhgeeirfloifretgimooedjobuernheayvinotuor, they’re still notadinutlrthinosoidc.ally motivated to do what we’re asking them to do. Rewards, just like threats and punishments, only
work if we’re there to dish out the consequences. They simply don’t promote lasting behaviour change and our kids
Parents/carers play a key role in teaching children about consent. It is a critical responsibility to build this
often lose interest. So, if we want to keep enforcing the behaviour, we need to dish out bigger and bigger rewards or
knowledge and these skills early.
bigger and bigger punishments.
Some examples of consent education by parents/carers at different ages:
The truth is, both threats and rewards use fear as a motivator – either fear of getting punished, or fear of missing out on the reward. Fear can be a powerful motivator. But there is another thing that motivates us... LOVE.
1 - 5 years old: Body safety and naming body parts
Love is a much stronger motivator. It drives intrinsic motivation, or motivation that isn’t reliant on external
Learning about body safety needs to happen at a very young age. Everyone has the right to body autonomy and
outcomes like rewards and punishments.
should be able to develop the tools to verbalise their boundaries and feel safe. Body safety information results
Here are three ways we can use love to help motivate our kids:
in kids having the power and knowledge to know who is allowed to touch their body and strategies to respond when boundaries are not listened to. I.e., “stop it I don’t like it”
1. Do chores with them. 2. Make them fun.
But consent is also about understanding ‘yes’ and ‘no’. Hugs, tickles, kisses, and so on all fall under the consent
3. Model love and respect for you kids by trusting that they’ll do the chores when they’re ready.
umbrella.
Ultimately, parenting isn’t about getting our kids to do things. The only person we can truly control is ourselves. The
5 - 8 years old: Communication skills
real focus of parenting is about being the person we want to be, regardless of how our kids are behaving. When we remember that, we can move away from fear-based parenting, and parent with love.
Consent means our children learn how to negotiate an activity that everyone will enjoy. You can also teach children the importance of how to pay attention to verbal and non-verbal cues e.g., being aware if someone
For more detailed information on these steps, please visit the article on our website using the link below.
seems uncomfortable when they ask to play with them or if the other person suddenly doesn’t look like they
are having fun in a shared game. You can talk to your kids about how to deal with their disappointment when a
Below is the link to view more information on this topic
friend says no.
https://sites.google.com/harvest.sa.edu.au/college-parent-portal/parenting-ideas/insights-threats- and-rewards-or-something-better
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