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MARRIAGE

Rabbi Elisha Aviner

What is the Ideal Age

to Get Married?

he Sages cite many reasons 3. Overcoming “sinful thoughts” in a while single. Completing academic
for marrying young as well timely manner, before they debilitate studies for example, or pursuing a
Tas for delaying marriage. the person entirely. competitive career. After a few years
After careful consideration though, of marriage, they may experience
they concluded that 18 is the most 4. Adapting to marriage at a more a sense of having missed out on
appropriate age for marriage. advanced age is difficult. This their personal development and the
Nevertheless, they agree it is not a “one difficulty comes to light most often maximum utilization of their talents.
size fits all.” Sometimes it is advisable during the dating stage. This manifests itself in brooding,
to marry earlier, to prevent sinful anger and frustration and often the
thoughts for example. And sometimes WHY DELAY MARRIAGE? deterioration of the relationship. This
it is justified to marry at the age of argument is one of the major causes of
20 or even later, if one is focused on 1. Lack of maturity to manage a family late marriage in Western society. Men
learning Torah or developing one’s and relationships in all of their mental, and women reject marriage year after
personality. emotional, economic and other year because they do not yet feel they
aspects.
Of course there are risks in both have “fulfilled their potential.” And
approaches and today we live in a 2. Continuing to study Torah in order so the years rush by without having
much more complex reality. It is clear to develop a spirit-rich personality and established their home.
that we cannot establish a uniform to formulate a solid Torah worldview Although this argument should not
and standard age for marriage. The to contribute to the family and give be rejected out of hand, it has its roots
optimal marriage age is personal it substance. Torah study is also a in a view of the world that is quite
and dependent on circumstances. It response to “sinful thoughts.” On the contrary to the spirit of the Torah – an
is a combination of the individual’s other hand, “sinful thoughts” could approach that places the individual on
spiritual, mental and emotional state, undermine peace of mind, which a supreme pedestal while relegating
the considerations the Sages took into is a condition for meaningful and the family to a position of secondary
account and other factors. purposeful Torah study.
and maybe even optional importance.
Here are some brief considerations for 3. At a young age, the choice of a Judaism’s approach to life – including
both approaches: spouse is sometimes superficial. the right and proper attitude
Infatuation, or immaturity, without towards marriage – can eliminate
WHY MARRY EARLY? paying attention to the depth and all negative feelings and inspire joy
details of the relationship, can lead to and satisfaction. There is also no
1. The importance of the mitzvah of a hasty and reckless decision. reason why a successful marriage
establishing a family. cannot contribute and even enhance a
4. Many young couples are
2. “Any man who does not have a wife financially dependent on their person’s self-actualization. It all beings
is not a man, as it is stated: ‘Male and parents. Some believe that without with a positive, Torah-based approach
female He created them…and called economic independence, emotional to marriage and healthy family values.
their name Adam.’” The same is true independence cannot be possible.
1
for a woman. Personal perfection is
made up of two levels. The first is One of the most talked about 1 Yevamot 63a.
personal maturation. The second is arguments for postponing marriage
the ability to conduct an emotionally is the claim that marrying young Rabbi Elisha Aviner teaches in yeshivot
healthy relationship with a member forces the couple to give up their hesder and founded an organization to
of the opposite sex and understand its self-actualization, something that is help parents with adolescent education
importance within a family setting. allegedly only possible to accomplish aviner@neto.net.il

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