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MARRIAGE

Dr. Efrat Sobolofsky

Three Dates,

Three Relationship Lessons

here are three significant Rabbi Akiva perceived the fox’s exit as when dealing with our nearest and
dates on the calendar in the a sign of life and hope, understanding dearest, we may be granted the
Tcoming weeks from which we that just as the prophecies of blessing of having G-d and others view
can glean important themes to guide destruction have been fulfilled, the us with a gentle eye.
our interpersonal relationships: Tisha promises of redemption will follow.
B’Av, Tu B’Av and Rosh Chodesh Elul. Using this mindset to reflect upon the Giving others the benefit of the doubt
churban teaches us to be optimistic whenever possible invites closeness
TISHA B’AV and focused on the rays of geula into our everyday relationships. To
(redemption). So too, emphasizing quote a piece of advice given by a
There is a striking statement of the positives and highlights of others busy matchmaker to those she is
Chazal concerning one of the causes are essential to developing and working with: “he or she isn’t a mind
of the churban (destruction): the maintaining meaningful interpersonal reader, the other person may not
destruction of the Beit HaMikdash relationships. know that you prefer this or that,
is partly attributed to the insistence etc.” Fill in the blanks as you wish.
of the Jewish people on adhering to ROSH CHODESH ELUL “Share your preferences, likes and
the intricacies of monetary laws with dislikes with her or him and see how
one another. This seems puzzling, We learn two lessons from the month the person reacts before prematurely
as presumably as Torah Jews, we are of Elul. First, we all have the ability to misjudging or ending a relationship.”
commanded to be scrupulous in our do teshuva (repentance) and change This is not, G-d forbid, to indicate
observance of monetary laws. Yet our ways. Even if we displayed certain that we should irresponsibly overlook
within the same rubric of Halacha, attitudes and behaviors in the past, we worrisome issues or character traits.
there is a concept known as lifnim have the opportunity to recalibrate, Of course, we should consider them
mishurat haDin – acting above the improve, and start afresh. Second, in with great seriousness and caution.
letter of the law. We are advised, the prayers throughout the month Yet, sometimes we raise alarms over
in many instances, not to be too of Elul, we beseech G-d to have less significant things, tainting the
demanding or exact with every penny erech apayim – to be patient with potential for meaningful relationships
or item owed to us, but rather to be us. We beg Him not to use a precise to flourish.
more forgiving and less stringent when measuring tool when evaluating
possible. Likewise, we are encouraged our year, but to be kind and judge us Maintaining a positive outlook,
to apply the same concept to our favorably. The pathway to merit His an eyin tovah, being optimistic
interpersonal relationships. patience and compassion is for us whenever possible and “letting go”
human beings to demonstrate the advances opportunities and endears
TU B’AV same middot (virtues) toward others relationships. Finally, and perhaps
and to emulate His ways. most importantly, as we learn from
There are many historical events
connected to this joyous day, including These lessons very briefly touched Chodesh Elul, we can all benefit from
its proximity to Tisha B’Av. Soon after upon above are pivotal components pausing, taking some time to self-
reflect and making a din veCheshbon
the grave tragedy associated with toward fostering healthy and long-
Tisha B’Av, we were given heavenly lasting relationships. While dating, (judgment and accounting) of our
messages that our destiny would (and similarly throughout marriage, own ways, and changing them for the
improve. Chazal instituted Tu B’Av as parenting, and beyond), we sometimes better. Ultimately, we can only control
a day of celebration and as a reminder find ourselves quick to judge others our own thoughts and actions. By
to look toward the future with an and critically evaluating those around improving our ways and mindsets, we
emphasis on redemption. Rabbi Akiva us, just as during the days before the will, G-d willing, merit to bring the
personified this mindset when he churban. By removing “measuring geula closer.
saw a fox running out of the Holy of sticks” and “magnifying glasses” when Efrat Sobolofsky LMSW, PhD, is Director of
Holies. As tragic as the churban was, interacting with others, especially YUConnects

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