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PARENTING

Dr. David Pelcovitz

Adult Behavior and

Children’s Moral Perceptions

hortly after a scandal erupted behaviors our children have been my grandchildren love the game and
in public, I was invited to exposed to may raise questions in actively push me to play it whenever
Sspeak in separate meetings their mind. Examples of troubling we spend Shabbat together. The
with the parents, teachers, and behavior exhibited by various leaders game consists of presenting a real-
children attending one of the local include lying, mocking others, making life ethical dilemma that I might
community yeshivot. I began the fun of those who aren’t viewed as have faced during the week, followed
meeting with the students by asking attractive, externalizing blame, and by a discussion of how they would
“What guidance have you received seeking revenge for perceived slights. respond. This approach to clarifying
from your teachers or parents about moral values is described by Dr. Mary
whatever questions and concerns Conversations with children on this Gentile, a senior research scholar at
you had regarding what occurred?” range of behaviors from supposed the Yale School of Management. Dr.
role models must begin with Gentile and her colleagues assume
To my dismay, with very little understanding how the child or that most people know the right
exception, the children were left student is processing the information thing to do in a particular morally
to cope with the situation on their they may see online, in the papers, challenging situation. The challenge
own. The parents assumed that the or in discussions around the dinner is how to translate this knowledge into
school would take care of educating table. Among the initial questions that action. She uses discussions of moral
the children about the moral and Dr. Beresin recommends parents or dilemmas as a bridge from knowledge
educational lessons that should inform educators use to trigger a productive into action by giving people the
their approach in responding to the discussion are these: opportunity to practice and pre-script
scandal; the educators believed that • What have you seen? responses to situations that call for an
this was something best dealt with ethical response.
at home. The children were left in a • What have you heard?
moral vacuum. A teachable moment – The challenge of how to respond to
that presented priceless opportunities • What do you think about this behavior? our children’s exposure to morally
for clarifying Jewish values and how to • How does it make you feel? questionable behavior on the part of
respond to situations where leadership some religious and political leaders
fails – was squandered. The discussion can then lead to presents us with an opportunity.
exploring what similar behaviors they It’s a chance to clarify our thinking
The reality is that our children are might have seen in friends, family, or about our responsibility to foster our
being raised in an atmosphere marked acquaintances at home or in school. children’s moral education through
by adults who are absolutely certain Parents can engage their children in direct discussion as well as awareness
of their view. Respectful dialogue a discussion of how, through dealing of some of the more subtle ways
and healthy perspective-taking have with similar challenges in their own that children internalize our values.
given way to disrespect, stridency, and lives, they can find more effective Awareness of some of the “silent”
failure to foster an ability to see the alternatives in trying to achieve their modes by which children learn moral
world through the eyes of the other. goals. Parents should keep in mind lessons include prioritizing spending
that such conversations are not a quality time with them in spite of our
Dr. Gene Beresin, a child psychiatrist one-shot event, but a process that hectic schedules, helping them see
at Massachusetts General Hospital’s can ideally become an important their mistakes as opportunities for
Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds, tool in shaping our children’s moral growth, and modeling respect and
makes a number of important points development. curiosity regarding the perspectives of
about how to address concerns raised those we disagree with.
by troubling behavior on the part I play a game with my grandchildren
of leaders. The guiding principle, called “moral dilemma.” While it Dr. David Pelcovitz holds the Gwendolyn
and Joseph Straus Chair in Psychology
Dr. Beresin recommends, is to stay might sound like one of the many and Jewish Education at the Azrieli
away from discussion about politics annoyances that go along with having Graduate School of Jewish Education and
and policy and to focus on how the a grandfather who is a psychologist, Administration at Yeshiva University

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