Page 56 - HaMizrachi # 22 Rosh HahHana - Yom Kippur 2020 USA

GENERAL INTEREST PARENTING

Rabbi Yakov Horowitz

How Could This Happen?

Tragedy: Speaking and Listening to Your Children

enerally speaking, grieving themselves, and allow those around which might have them grasping
does not get better in any pre- them the space to do the same. for answers. That is not the best
Gdictable pattern, but rather approach – for an unasked question
follows a random series of ups and 3. How could this happen? There are is an unanswered one, and you may
downs depending on a host of fac- various hashkafic approaches to deal- not be there to answer your children’s
tors. There are also distinct phases ing with this kind of question. My questions when they have them later
of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, approach is a straightforward one and in life.
depression and acceptance. Once you one I find to be honest and teachable.
know what to look for, you can almost The Gemara occasionally leaves a On a practical note, please keep an eye
watch people transition between these question unanswered and ends with and ear open to see if your children are
phases, although not necessarily in the word ּוקי ֵּ ת, which basically says we ready to talk about their tragedy with
this order. need to wait for Eliyahu HaNavi to you. It is important they do so. And
resolve this. This is simply a ּוקי ֵּ ת and since the grieving cycle is filled with
As the parent of a grieving child, is just incomprehensible. My father’s ups and downs, it is not uncommon
perhaps the most important point to death 47 years ago is still a ּוקי ֵּ ת to me, for children’s emotions to flare up after
understand is that one never knows and it will probably remain so for the being completely dormant for days.
which of the countless facets of the rest of my days. Please do not hesitate to reach out for
tragedy is troubling them. The only professional help if you are concerned
way to find out is by talking less and There will always be ּוקי ֵּ ת questions, that your child(ren) are exhibiting
listening more. and that’s when ןֹוח ָּ ט ִּ ב (faith) needs worrying symptoms.
to kick in. The eternal truths of the
Here are some of the messages I Torah give us enough confidence in Finally, while this column is child-
have imparted when speaking about G-d’s תי ִ ט ָ ר ְּ פ ה ָ ח ָּג ְ ׁש ַ ה (Divine Providence) centered, many of us adults have a
tragedy, in the hope you will find at to give us the faith to take the plunge challenging time dealing with tragedy.
least some of this helpful in speaking and accept things we do not under- If you find yourself unable to bounce
to your children: stand. Since in the limited time we back, please seek professional help
have in this world, and with our lim- yourself. When they do the safety drill
1. We are in this together. I open by ited understanding of His ways, it is on airplanes, they always instruct you
giving an analogy of joining a baseball impossible for us to understand 100% to place the oxygen mask on yourself
league, by explaining that joining that of events that happen, we must leave before your child, even though that
group means you practice together the rest to faith and accept things that seems quite selfish to an outside
and support each other over the entire are beyond our ability to understand observer. The message is clear though.
season. You also celebrate victories ה ָ ב ֲ ה ַ א ְּ ב (with love). You cannot be in a position to help
and get upset over losses as a group. your child if you don’t take care of
Another effective analogy is that
2. People grieve differently. Going ןֹוח ָּ ט ִּ ב is similar to taking medication yourself first.
back to the baseball analogy, reflect a parent hands you, even if you don’t
on how different teammates respond know what it is – and even if it tastes
to hitting a home run, or winning or terrible – because your life experience
losing a game. Some take it in their gives you the trust in your parents to
stride and show little emotion while follow their guidance in areas you
others go way over the top. Just like don’t fully understand. Rabbi Yakov Horowitz is an educator,
there are different ways to celebrate, so author, and child safety advocate. He
too, there are different ways to mourn Many parents and educators hope conducts parenting workshops in Jewish
– and they should feel free to just be their kids won’t ask these questions, communities around the world.

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