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GENERAL INTEREST PARENTING

Dr. Yocheved Debow

How to Talk to Your Children

about Intimacy

e recognize that imparting 2. Don’t make speeches – listen! We 8. Strive to help your children be aware
our values to our children learn a lot from asking our children that Judaism’s approach to relation-
Wrequires time and thought- questions and understanding what ships between men and women is
ful education. However, in the area of they think and know about intimacy not because Judaism views sexual-
sexuality and relationships, we are often and sexuality. ity as bad; quite the opposite. It is
silent. 3. Always tell the truth. You do not because it sees sexuality as some-
This communicates an important mes- need to tell the whole truth, but thing so wonderful, powerful and
sage. Not talking about sexuality, espe- whatever you tell must be the truth, good that it needs to be limited
cially when it is so prevalent in movies otherwise you lose your status as so as to maintain its intensity and
and the media, gives an implicit message “askable” parents. passion.
that parents, or perhaps Judaism, is at the 4. Help your children differentiate 9. Modern society is grappling with
very least uncomfortable or, worse, has between private and secret. Keeping many questions about gender and
nothing positive to say about sexuality. something private is usually about sexual identity. These questions
If our children are to view a Torah choosing boundaries and staying impact on and can be confusing to
lifestyle as relevant, they must expe- comfortably within them, so that we our children. Help your children
rience Torah as addressing issues that share certain things only with cer- understand by discussing these
concern them. Talking about sexuality tain people on certain occasions. By topics with them and sharing your
and relationships from a Jewish per- contrast, keeping something secret thoughts, ideas and understandings
spective helps our children appreciate is usually about actively hiding in these areas.
the wisdom and relevance of Judaism something, often for fear of the 10. Remember to share with your chil-
to their lives. consequences of it being known. In dren how much the lifestyle we live
Children need to learn developmentally general, privacy is good and secrets is one we have come to by choice,
appropriate, traditional Jewish concepts are not. because we believe it to be good
of social, personal, and sexual develop- 5. Children should learn about where for our bodies and our souls and
ment, beginning from an early stage in babies come from in different ways because it honors the fact that each
their own development and continuing at different stages of their develop- of us is created in the image of G-d
through childhood and adolescence. ment from their parents and not – with spirituality and physicality
They require a safe environment with from anyone else. intertwined.
opportunity for discussions and ques- 6. Since children tend to develop
tions, so they can acquire Torah-based physically earlier than they used Ultimately, we parents need to keep lines
values these areas. They can then pro- to, they should be learning about of communication open with our chil-
cess the endless cultural messages they puberty and bodily changes before dren. We can help them feel respected
receive, choosing which to accept and they happen. by confirming the very real challenges
which to reject through this prism of 7. Tzniut is often the mitzvah that and concerns sexuality can present
Torah-based values. provides the greatest challenge to while believing in their ability to navi-
Here are 10 tips for talking with our many of our daughters. It is unfair to gate these challenges with dignity and
commitment.
children about sexuality. measure their religiosity on the basis
1. Language is important. Not just of the very mitzvah that provides
what we say but how we say it the greatest challenge. If we can Dr. Yocheved Debow is the author of
makes a big difference. Give your encourage their religious growth Talking about Intimacy: A Guide for
Orthodox Jewish Parents. She is the
children words that show respect and commitment in all areas and Academic Principal at Midreshet Emunah
for our bodies and our sexuality and continue to educate toward com- v’Omanut.
that models a sense of dignity and mitment to halacha, they will likely
beauty with regards to sexuality and gradually move to greater commit- A member of the Mizrachi Speakers Bureau
intimacy. ment in tzniut as well. mizrachi.org/speakers

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