Page 52 - HaMizrachi Tisha bAv 5783 USA

If My Spouse

Would Only Change

Rabbi Moshe Berliner, MSW

W hat does a newly-married change that one thing,” she says, “our

relationship would be fine.”
couple experience as they
begin to build their mar-
riage? When things go well,
sonable, and her description of herself and
they are filled with a sense of pleasure, She sounds convincing. She appears rea-
how she acts makes sense. Her description
well-being, and accomplishment. But what
happens when things don’t go smoothly? of her husband’s behavior is also reason-
able. It seems to make sense that if he
Usually, each partner tries to deal with
the difficulty in the same way they have would just straighten out and stop doing
those things she says he’s doing or start
successfully dealt with similar situations doing those things she says he should do,
in the past, assuming these solutions will
work equally well now. Often they do, and the relationship would greatly improve
and the problems would disappear.
the couple moves ahead, continuing to
build their marriage. But if both spouses It sounds convincing… until her husband
try what has worked for them in the past shares how he sees the situation. He starts
and things don’t improve, the relation- off identically. “I’m basically okay,” he says
ship begins to falter. Each spouse views sincerely. “Not perfect, but reasonable. If
the problem differently, and each has a she would only do ___, or stop doing ___,
different approach to solving it. There the relationship would be great.”
is, though, one perspective they usually They understand that it will be hard
share. Both are clear that their partner is Since each individual and each marriage for their spouse to hear that he or she is
to blame for the problem. is unique, there are many variations to
this interaction. However, the paradigm wrong. They are open to the possibility
“I realize I’m not perfect,” a young wife of “if he or she would just change then that it will take time for their spouse to
said, voicing a common refrain. “I know everything would be fine,” is the way change those awful habits. But when their
I have faults. But it’s really not that hard many couples face their distress. spouse hears the judge, i.e. the therapist,
to get along with me. This is the way I’ve say they are wrong, they’ll be convinced,
acted for the past twenty-three years When they seek help, they have a clear he’ll change, and all will be well.
request. Since they define the problem
before I married. And if you look around,
you’ll see that I’m okay with just about as well as the solution in different ways, Unfortunately, this approach rarely helps.
they want a judge to validate their view
Since both partners are convinced that
everyone. I’ve got plenty of friends. My of the situation. They are convinced that the other is responsible for their difficul-
husband isn’t bad either. But there’s one
thing he does that...” the judge’s expert opinion will convince ties and that it is their spouse who needs
their spouse. Once the judge affirms that to change, anyone assigning fault will
And, of course, it is that “one thing” that their position is correct, their spouse will be relegated to the category of someone
causes all the problems. “If he would just change, and the relationship will flourish. who “just doesn’t get it.” His judgment and

52 |