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certainly any subsequent suggestions he she attempts to escape responsibility by change, and how he actually behaves. The
may make are simply wrong. saying, “The snake enticed me and I ate.” responsibility to be a good husband is not
The persona is different; the response is conditional on his wife’s actions. She may
The Torah approach the same. Eve blames the snake for her behave in a way that makes it very hard
actions. She doesn’t take responsibility for him to fulfill his obligations. And all of
There is another way to understand how for what she did. us, since the time of creation, occasionally
to build a marriage – an approach taught G-d’s response to both Adam and Eve is fail. But we must never lose the clarity
at the very beginning of the Torah. that each spouse bears responsibility for
unequivocal: Each of you – and by exten-
After his creation, Adam’s first act is to sion, every human being – is responsible their own actions, including the obliga-
name all the animals. Naming was a pro- for your own actions. Taking full respon- tion to interact with their spouse as a
cess that assigned meaning and signifi- sibility for our own actions is the first responsible, loving husband or wife.
cance, because each name expressed the lesson the Torah teaches, and it forms the When a soul returns to Heaven, it is
essence of the newly created being. The basis of a healthy marriage. required to explain its actions during its
extraordinary benefit of giving a creature lifetime on earth. In noting these ques-
a name is that Adam, and by extension all Responsibility in marriage tions, the Talmud doesn’t mention any
mankind, can think abstractly about it. that relate specifically to marriage, but
When we mention the name, we can con- How is this idea central to marriage? A it seems to me that there might very well
sider what the name represents without life of religious significance is a purpose- be a question like this: “How did you act
actually being in the creature’s presence. ful life. It is based on striving to fulfill a as a husband or a wife?”
We are not bound to deal exclusively with larger vision of living life as an expression “Well,” the soul might say, “you know
the physical phenomenon that our senses of G-d’s will in this world. One central way
bring to our attention. Man’s ability to to express G-d’s will is to build strong who my wife was. So while it’s true that
I might not have acted as well as I should
use his intellect – to think abstractly, to marriages that serve as the foundation have, I’m sure you understand it was
ponder, to judge – defines man as a unique of healthy families. because she…”
being. When a couple marries, they immediately
Adam’s second act is to fail. He’s given one become aware of the many differences If he says this, I imagine the response
might be: “You seem to have misunder-
commandment: to refrain from eating that exist between them. Many couples stood. You thought your task was to be a
fruit from the tree of knowledge. The find that these differences make it dif- good husband to someone else? Your task
snake convinced Eve to eat the fruit. She, ficult to build their marriage. And, like was to be as good a spouse as you could to
seeking partnership in this act, gave the Adam and Eve, people often react to their your specific partner.”
fruit to her husband to eat. One com- difficulties by blaming their spouse. But
mandment, one failure. that response, as we saw with Adam and
Eve, is never helpful.  Adapted from Rabbi Moshe Berliner, To Build
The ensuing story is remarkable. G-d What should we learn from their and to Bond: Living Well in a Jewish Marriage
calls to Adam saying, “Where are you,” experience? (Mizrachi Press, 2019).
metaphorically asking, “What have you
done?” G-d’s question is an invitation to The most basic lesson is that each partner
a dialogue, to a process of understanding. has a responsibility to do what they can
But Adam does not respond to G-d’s ques- to fulfill their part in the marriage. The
tion. Instead, he points to his wife, and husband’s obligation is to be the best hus-
in what seems to be a built-in primordial band he can be; the wife’s responsibility
human response, blames her. He tells G-d, is to be the best wife she can be.
“My wife is responsible. Had she not done Often when a couple hears these ideas, Rabbbi Moshe Berliner, MSW
what she did, I would never have fallen.” one or both will object. “It’s all well and has worked as a marriage counselor in
The Midrash points out that Adam adds good to talk about these ideas,” a husband Jerusalem for over 30 years. He is the founder
an additional accusation. “You, G-d, are will say, “but she literally drives me crazy. and director of Machon Netivot for Family
also responsible for my failure. Had You How can you expect me to act the way I Therapy, and the author of the book To Build
and to Bond: Living Well in a Jewish Marriage.
not created her from my rib and given should when she treats me the way she
her to me, I wouldn’t have eaten the fruit” does?” Maybe his wife does act in ways
(Sifrei Devarim 1:10). Seeking to escape that make it difficult for
responsibility for what he has done, Adam him to respond as a
blames not himself, but both his wife and loving husband. But
G-d for his actions. The urge to avoid cul- it is crucial that
pability, to ascribe blame to someone else, he differenti-
is embedded in the spirit of man. When ate between
there is marital discord, this urge invari- his respon-
ably finds expression. sibility,
which
Turning to Eve, G-d asks how she under- doesn’t
stands what she has done. Like Adam,

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