Page 15 - HaMizrachi #9 Yom HaAtzmaut 5779

Parenting

Rabbi Elisha Aviner

SWITCHING MODES

IN ADOLESCENCE

Does adolescence require a change in who make this effort to the best of their important idea, so he ordered them to
our attitudes to our children? abilities, and children who have such gather stones. If he had said, ‘My sons,
parents are happy.” gather stones,’ they would not have
abbi Elimelech Bar-Shaul, in his internalized the message, but rather they
book “Reiyach Mayim,” offers This is what the Midrash means: when would have told themselves that they
R us a true gem of educational the sons of Ya’akov “came to Shechem” – were acting on their father’s command.
advice: “And Ya’akov sacrificed a that is, they physically or mentally grew So Ya’akov called them “brothers” so
sacrifice on the mountain, and called – Ya’akov likened them to himself. He that they would understand that even
to his brothers to eat bread” (Genesis looked at their full height (spiritual or without a father’s decree, it would be
31:54). The Midrash interprets: “And physical) and recognized their maturity, appropriate for them to strive for peace
to his brothers... and weren’t they his treating them as “brothers,” as adults. and settle with those who make them
sons? But when they reached Shechem, feel secure.
Ya'akov imagined them and called them And how old were the sons of Ya’akov at
brothers.” Rabbi Bar-Shaul explains the time? Some were just 13! (Shimon, Recognizing the maturity of our children
that parents – and especially the most for example). does not diminish our educational
devoted parents – expect respect from Rabbi Bar-Shaul emphasizes that responsibility. Rather, it demands a
their children. Indeed, this is the mitzvah recognizing the child’s maturity does not different educational approach that
of the Torah: “Honor your father and mean the end of their education. On the does not rely on the “decree of the
your mother,” “Man should fear his contrary. The task should continue, but father” (discipline and obedience), but
mother and father.” there has to be a significant shift in both on skills of persuasion, dialogue and
content and style. This turning point the personification of values. Small
That said, parents also have a duty to children want to obey, adults want to
respect their children, and particularly is a condition for educational success. identify. A grown-up child should not
once they are older. This is part of the Those who are unaware of the changes be left to his or her own devices nor
that have occurred in their adult children
educational mitzvah incumbent upon – or simply ignore them – and continue neglected, but should be treated in a
the parents. Parents should remember to treat them as grade schoolers by manner appropriate to an adult. In the
that grown-up children demand perpetuating the educational path past, a laconic parental imperative (even
recognition as adults, and do not want they adopted in earlier years, will not without accompanying explanations
to continue to be seen as children. If succeed. Their children are likely to and rationalizations) caused the child
they are not recognized as adults, or rebel and any educational efforts are to act and obey, but now it is no longer
even ignored, they tend to prove their likely to backfire. Hence the first stage enough. Communication must change.
maturity by rebellion through speech or is for parents to recognize adolescent While the parent-child relationship must
action, and all that entails. Parents must maturity. The second stage is to interact obviously be upheld and respected, there
immediately recognize and adapt to with them as adults. is also a need for a healthy brotherly or
their children’s new state of physical and sisterly-like relationship to develop.
spiritual maturity, and demonstrate this The Netziv writes that Ya’akov called his
recognition in practice. Only then will sons “brothers” for educational reasons.
parents be able to be good educators and He asked them to gather stones to create
listen to their grown-up children, who a monument symbolizing peace between Rabbi Elisha Aviner teaches in yeshivot
will in turn have the trust and respect him and Lavan in order to educate hesder and founded an organization to
to listen to such parents. As Rabbi Bar- them about peace among humanity. help parents with adolescent education
Shaul says, “Blessed are the parents He wanted them to learn about this aviner@neto.net.il

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