Page 1379 - Hilary PDF Flipbook New

We were “planning” to make a video game together. I do not know when; one of us was always too busy. It was already
eating me inside that I had not done real work on it beyond sketches and descriptions of circumstances, just for myself, but
now I need to, for both of us. Right? If that helps me get it done, sure. I pledge to give it a much better gretchen sound
effect.

I was always looking forward to a hypothetical point in the future when we could exchange ideas freely. I wish I could
asked about more of the circumstances that inspired the strange things she wrote about. I did not realize how much time
had passed until I started writing all this. 1999 to 2003 seemed like a huge expanse of time, then 2003 to 2007 was another,
and suddenly I misplaced a whole decade without noticing. I wanted to resume what we had. Or more likely, start over
entirely. Hilary always lived in an interesting way, and fixating on what had already occurred was unnecessary.

We never met, unfortunately. We came tantalizingly close, but to be brief, for once, since it hurts just a scrap too much, a
meeting was not feasible. I was quite sad, in fact sadder than I expected to be. But I imagined there would be plenty of
opportunities to arrange a proper meeting. I ought to have tried to arrange a visit earlier but for many years I was not very
mobile. Was this a form of love, perhaps? I think it was, and I wish that I had expressed it. I did not think I was worthy,
perhaps. I certainly was somewhat to highly jealous of any more forward or proximal person that she seemed to hold in
favor at any point across a longer span of time than is usual. I loved dumb old science fox but do I care who he likes now?
Probably, a little bit, but I am not going out of my way to find out. Not far at all. I am glad that I was able to tell him how I
felt so that he could do something to no longer deserve it.
Hilary would have been the first person that I really developed that for. “crushes” I might have had momentarily in grade
school were based on nothing more than me seeing tv shows and thinking I was supposed to do that.