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I Am a Rock: A Parent's Story

by Avital Rubin

When I was a child my mother used to spin her favorite records for us and the volatility of this wave.
at home all the time. As a child of the 70’s, she loved folk music and Hearing Ari’s diagnosis was a
played all sorts of records for us. One of her favorites was Simon & second wave I wasn’t prepared
Garfunkel. I vividly remember hearing “The Sound of Silence,” “Mrs. for.
Robinson,” and “Scarborough Fair” over and over again. I didn’t My mother’s favorite folk
understand the lyrics, but I loved the music. singers and their popular song
As I grew into my teens, I would listen earnestly to the lyrics, “I Am a Rock” took on a new
understanding and feeling them deeply. Simon & Garfunkel’s “I Am meaning.
a Rock” was one of my favorite tracks.
I felt isolated. I had two children
I have my books in special education, while all
And my poetry to protect me. my friends had their kids in
I am shielded in my armor. typical yeshiva settings. I felt
Hiding in my room, alone and separated from the
safe within my womb, norm, and the boys weren’t
I touch no one and no one even progressing as I was
hoping they would. I was an
touches me.
island surrounded by an ocean.
I am a rock. And yet I had no choice but to Ari doing homework
I am an island. continue to surf the challenging
As an angsty teenager, I related and constantly changing waves in my ocean. It was a blessing when
to the song, feeling like an I found SINAI Schools, which had decades of expertise in special
outsider. As in the song, I was a education, but all the benefits of being integrated into Jewish
rock, a recluse trying to be strong schools. At SINAI, both Benji and Ari, with their very different needs,
—on a subconscious level were getting what they needed academically, emotionally, and
attempting to gain self-worth. Benji and Ari on their way to school socially. Their educational needs were being met—but they also
were part of a larger, mainstream community, and a Jewish
Fast forward 15 years and I’m a mom myself, with two wonderful community. For the first time, they felt that they belonged….and
boys, each one with his own unique personality and taste in music. I felt that as a family, we belonged.
Each one with his own unique challenges.
Having two children with special needs has been challenging and
Benji was officially diagnosed with cerebral palsy (CP) when I was isolating, but now that we are part of the SINAI family, I know that
nine months pregnant with Ari. His diagnosis didn’t shock me— I am no longer an island. I am not alone.
quite the opposite: it confirmed my maternal instincts that some- Back when I was a teenager, my mother tried to tell me that “I am a
thing wasn’t right. Benji wasn’t reaching his rock, I am an island,” didn’t mean that I was
milestones, but at least now I had the medical alone or isolated. But only as an adult did I
explanation why.
come to understand what she meant. Now I
Ari was born shortly after and was a wonderful, know that, like a rock, I am filled with strength.
happy, and easy baby. Like an island, I am strong and can stand
I took on the challenges of having a child surrounded by an ocean. I can handle these
with special needs and a newborn. Needless waves.
to say, I didn’t get much sleep. I researched, Yesterday I played Simon & Garfunkel’s “I Am a
documented, and finally placed Benji in the Rock” for my boys. Needless to say, they weren’t
best public school program I could find. impressed. They weren’t moved by the words
As time moved on, Benji progressed, but very of the song. They didn’t notice the smirk on my
slowly. Our motto became “small steps every face or the fact that as soon as the song was
day,” and we watched eagerly for every new over I ran to call my mom, to give her the latest
small step. And then, when Ari was two we details on what they had accomplished that
started to wonder if something was going on day at school.
with him. Ari wasn’t speaking much, and I only hope that one day when they hear the
eventually we took him to a specialist for an lyrics of this song, they find strength in their
evaluation. The author with her boys oceans to take on the waves in their lives.
“Ari is on the autistic spectrum.” The news gutted me at first. I had
spent the previous three years focusing on my Benji, feeling as if I was Avital Rubin lives in Staten Island with her husband and their two amazing boys.
in an ocean trying to keep my head above the water. He had been the Even on the most challenging days, she embraces the unknown, knowing that her
first wave in my ocean of motherhood. I had been focusing all of my boys are happy and comfortable in their own skins, and that they will always find joy
efforts on learning to swim in this ocean and to accept the uncertainty in singing and dancing to the songs they love.