Page 95 - Advanced Biblical Counseling Student Textbook

o Forgiveness Allows You to Move Forward with Life
Forgiveness is a uniquely life-giving decision. We free up the other person to move forward and
live their life and we allow ourselves the freedom to move forward as well. Forgiveness allows
us to bury the old bones of anger, resentment and bitterness and to walk in peace, gratitude,
serenity and love. Forgiveness rescues us from the slow death of grudges.

The Christian Counsel seeks to bring those holding a grudge to a forgiving spirit.

The Christian counsel comes along side of a person holding resentment in their heart and seeks to bring
that person into an understanding of why forgiveness is so important. This is the process that we would
recommend the counseling to take the begrudging person through.

1. Help them identify that they are holding a grudge. To do this, perhaps ask them this question:
“If you look back on your life, who in your mind stands out as a person whom you dislike.” Then ask,
“Why do you dislike this person?” You will probably discover that the person they dislike did something
to them in word or deed that hurt them emotionally or physically. Then ask them, “Have you forgiven
them of this?”

2. Help the grudge holder understand that there are barriers to forgiveness that perhaps are in their
way. They are:

o Failing to Understand What Forgiveness Is
For many of us, the biggest barrier to extending forgiveness to another person is the simple fact
that we don’t fully understand what forgiveness is. For example, if we think that extending
forgiveness means that we have to just move on and forget what happened to us, then
forgiveness may feel utterly impossible. If extending forgiveness makes us feel that the other
person has “got away with” the harm they inflicted on us, that will probably devalue our pain
and make forgiveness more difficult. An accurate understanding of forgiveness is essential in
order to be able to extend forgiveness.

o Being in Denial About Our Need to Forgive
Sometimes, the pain we experience inside can feel just too deep and too strong for us to face.
We may feel that it makes more sense to bury it, move on, and leave it all in the past. Why bring
up all those old bones, right? The problem is that this approach to our pain can leave our true
feelings blocked and locked up inside us. It is far healthier to connect with those feelings and
walk through the process of grieving what we have lost. We cannot fully move beyond our pain
until we have faced it, felt it, and processed it. Only then can we actually make a choice to
extend forgiveness. If we are in denial about our pain, we cannot forgive.

o Being Afraid to Forgive
The decision to forgive requires great courage. The forgiver often feels that they have to find
answers to some big questions. What is this potential decision to forgive going to cost me? Can I
handle the cost? Will my decision to forgive require me to enter into a potentially painful
confrontation with the one who has caused my pain? Will I feel guilty later for deciding to
forgive? Do I have to ignore my own boundaries and expose myself to further harm? Questions
like this–although they reveal a lack of understanding of true forgiveness–can be truly scary to
face. When forgiveness feels like too much to handle, it will likely be held back. A good

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