Page 68 - Effable Encounters

Autologue

(Fantastic Transactions 1, 1990)

“Hello?”
“Ah, is this Corner Drugs?”
“No, it’s not. You must have the wrong number.”
“Oh. Sorry. Say, you sound like someone I know: this is Irving
Vielfrass speaking. Do you know me?”
“What? What kind of stupid joke is this? Wait a minute, you’re
disguising your voice, trying to make it older, but this has got to be
Eddie Mangelwurzer. Grow up, man.”
“Eddie—Eddie Mangelwurzer? But Eddie’s been dead for years;
died in Vietnam. Who the hell is this, anyway? How do you know
Eddie?”
“Vietnam? Why would he go there? Eddie’s got a deferment.
Unless he flunks out, of course. Now, what’s the gag, mister?”
“I’m not pulling any gag, young man. I was trying to get Corner
Drugs, and somehow our lines got crossed. Probably I don’t know
you at all. Goodbye.”
“Wait a minute! Don’t you know who I am?”
“No, I certainly do not.”
“Well, my name happens to be Irving Vielfrass, too. Don’t you
think that’s rather a coincidence?”
“Now you’re trying to fool me. Unless you are some sort of
unknown second-cousin from the East Coast. Do you know Sidney
Vielfrass?”
“Yeah, of course I do. He’s my father.”
“Eh? That was my father’s name.”
“Well, maybe your father and mine know each other. I’ll ask him
next time I see him.”
“Hmm. Do you know my sister, Eloise Orloff?”
“Now that’s odd: my sister Eloise has been going with a guy
named Eddie Orloff for years.”
“My sister married Edward Orloff twenty years ago, in 1970.”
“Twenty years ago? Man, you are really out of it! This is April 21,
1965. Maybe you need a doctor, not a drug store.”
“But—but this is 1990!”
“Oh, come off it. You expect me to believe this is a phone call
from the future? You’ve been watching too much television.”
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