Page 2 - The Gluckman Occasional Number Five

Discount Surgical Center

** Holiday Specials **

Early birds: Say goodbye to crow’s feet, turkey neck, pigeon toes, and
goose pimples. Hello, Spring chicken! Now with Motox Firmoderm ®.

Been abroad? Disjoin the foreign lesions and other topical diseases.
*NEW* Painless excision of traveler’s tail. Refractory Munchausen
Syndrome cured with unanaesthetized slide-show aversion therapy.

Try our patented helium injections for weight loss: unused body cavities
including the cranium will provide storage—in most cases, invisibly!
Time-release sinus-loaded laughing gas no longer offered.

A DSC exclusive: bone remodeling by Procrustean Solutions ®

“Plus or Minus” 2-for-1 combo: mix and match! Add to or subtract from
any two organs, features or extremities of your choice. Fill, enlarge,
remodel, graft, splice, or inject up to 6 ounces; and/or shave, abrade,
ablate, excise or lase to within an inch of your life! Sorry: earlobe
reconstruction and tattoo removal not part of this deal. ☺

□ Reserve your space for Rip van Wrinkle Somnotherapy ® (you can’t
age much if you’re asleep). Guaranteed less painful than calorie reduction,
telomere tinkering or living in a meat locker! □

Occupational injuries and conditions treated per Worker’s Compensation
cost schedule (you pay us, try to get reimbursement from them!): tailor’s
bunion, clown’s rictus, housemaid’s knee, writer’s cramp, shop girl’s feet,
miner’s lung, fiddler’s neck, mahout’s callus, plumber’s elbow—and more!
Fall down on the job? See us!

Irritated Vowel Syndrome? Put a glottal stop to it! Pop your p’s? Slur
your v’s? Swallow your g’s? Oral surgeons are waiting to fix your loose
and wagging tongue. Dyslingual Misanthropia can also be reversed—
but you must act now! 21 years of age and under. ☼

By appointment only: autologous translipofusion to correct misplaced
fat—you’re stuck with it, so put it where it will do some good! (DSC
coupons from GristleBurger do not apply to this offer)