Page 162 - Reason To Sing by Kelita Haverland

Reason To Sing

himself down on the living room floor and leaned against the
wall. “You don’t love me,” he moaned woefully. “I know you’re
going to leave me. You’re going to fucking leave me. Why
wouldn’t you? Who could love this fuck-up?”
I join him on the floor. “Hudson, don’t be silly. Of course I
love you. And I’m not going anywhere.” I tentatively touch his
knee.
“I’ve always known you were going to leave me.” He refuses
to look at me or take my hand.
“Hudson, I’m not leaving you.” I wrap my arm around his
shoulder and try my best to comfort him. “I’m right here.”
“How can anyone love this?” He slumps over, hangs his
head and mumbles, “You don’t deserve this. I should just kill
myself and get it over with. I’m only going to live until I’m 27.
I’ve always known it. I’m just a piece of shit. And I hate this
fucking piece of fucking shit.”
I lean into him and half whisper, “Hudson, don’t say those
things. Please don’t. You’re just talking nonsense. I love you.
And I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here.”
“I’m just going to kill myself,” he repeats, slumping even
further to the floor.
Now I am really begging. “Please don’t say such crazy
things. You’re just having a bad night. I love you and you know
that. You know how much I love you, Hudson.” I take his face
in my hands. “Look at me. Look right at me. I love you so
much. Now let’s just go to bed, okay? I know you’ll feel way
better in the morning.”
He does not budge. His torment seems indelibly etched.
But eventually, after much cajoling and affection, I manage to
get him into bed.
I feel helpless. It’s debilitating to witness this much self-
hatred. I am trying very hard to do everything I can to show

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