Page 29 - Finding Tulsa - Preview

Finding Tulsa 21

movies. Sometimes I invented arguments to get Dan pissed off enough to
leave me with my own friend, David Hollister or Randy Simms.
Sleepovers. I think of all the times I could have had sex.
The CBS affiliate, Channel 8, reigned on Saturdays. Big Chuck and
Hoolihan showed even worse movies, and took a lot of time performing
comedy sketches no better than a high school talent show. Some of the bits
were so bad we couldn’t even tell where the punch line was without the aid
of their persistent audio laugh track.
Hoolihan was a willowy guy who later left the show and turned into
a born-again Christian. I think he had a wife and kids, but that didn’t
bother me. What did bother me, in retrospect, were his solo comedy
sketches, “Readings by Robert.” They had a slightly Ernie Kovacs quality,
but the bespectacled, lisping character, who read inane poems with his legs
crossed, was probably one of the worst gay stereotypes of my young life.
I could imitate “Robert” all too well, and often did to make Dan laugh,
until I grew tired of it. I didn’t realize the implications of venting my own
fears of being effeminate. Things like that can fuck a kid up.
Big Chuck, on the other hand, was a large, handsome guy who looked
like a retired football player. He had a strong jaw and the cleft chin of Kirk
Douglas. He was often the butt of jokes, since he was Polish. That’s why
I loved him. The show’s writers got around the possible complaints from
numerous Northern Ohio Polish viewers by using the phrase, “person of
a certain ethnic background.” The joke could be all about bowling, white
socks, flamingos on the lawn, Parma, Ohio (a center of Polish immigrants),
but it was always just about “people of a certain ethnic background.”
This was in the days before home VCRs, of course, so any moment
had to be enjoyed right then and savored forever, since some of the show
was also live. Among them was the regular reading of the letters from fans.
Once the movie was over, Big Chuck and Hoolihan appeared in short
nightgowns and caps to bid all viewers goodnight. Big Chuck’s nightie
was red, and it hung just low enough not to be indecent. A common gag
among crew members, or the later replacement co-host, Little John, a cute
Italian midget with a big nose, was to try to get Big Chuck’s nightgown
yanked up to expose him, or to get Big Chuck to fall down and expose
himself.
By high school, Dan was working weekends or dating girls, so I some-
times had the run of the basement, laying on the sofa, waiting eagerly
through every awful horror movie and lousy sketch for the show’s closer.
I’d seen brief glimpses enough times to anticipate the thrill, even though
I knew Big Chuck wore undershorts. I’d already worked myself up to a